Friday, May 21, 2010

the one where i just tell you things as i think of them, and yes, i know there's a name for that.

I had a dream the other night, which is odd in and of itself.   I've been thinking about it for days, but now that I am thinking about it so I can write about how weird and totally symbolic of what's going on in my life, it turned all fuzzy in my brain.

It ended with me being shot in the forehead.   Charming, I know.  But for the record, I  clearly remember dodging five bullets before taking one in the noggin.

Two weeks ago, I bought a sewing machine at a garage sale.  The seller had put one of those cute little roundy neon pink stickers on the thing, telling me it was NEW and $50.  I bought it for less than $50, because I am that girl, after all, and last week when I sat down to try it out, I discovered that a) it was not new; and b) the Sewing Backwards Lever was missing.  And I said bad words and tried to decide between leaving a note in the seller's mailbox saying, "I just want you to know that I know that you lied to me about the sewing machine", or just taking it back to her, or finding out how much it would cost to get the part replaced, and then stomping my feet at her and letting my children trash her house until she gave me the money to cover the repair.

And when I got all of that out of my system, I got over it.

Today, I was cleaning up my sewing area, and I was telling God I really just wanted him to throw me a bone, because I'm that girl who tells God things.  As I finished demanding things from His Mightiness, I emptied an antique crock I had purchased from an entirely different garage sale on an entirely different day.  And at the bottom of said crock was the Sewing Backwards Lever.

Coincidence?  Thrown Bone?  Either way you look at it, it's pretty stinking cool.

I sewed a dress yesterday.  I was planning to wear it to my brother's wedding, but apparently it makes me look fat.  The phrase that was used by someone I trust was HORIZONTAL PUFFINESS.  I have no desire to be HORIZONTALLY PUFFY.  I don't even know what that is, but I have the good sense to avoid it.

Also?  My mother-in-law said it was the most amazing Reduction Garment in the history of the world, because I looked flat as a preteen... well, flat as a kindergartener, seeing as how the food hormones have the little girls looking not so little.  And if there is one thing I am not, flat-chested is it.

Someone told me once that once you start having a lot of sex your breasts grow.  I don't know if she was trying to make me feel better, or encourage me to not be so prudish or what.  I wonder if the inverse applies?????

7 comments:

  1. I'd get your money back for the sewing machine. I hate to be lied to and cheated. I suppose my wife would understand the dress part but I still want my money back

    ReplyDelete
  2. It really did irk me, but I have the part, and the sewing machine runs like a dream, so I'm just going to call it a win for me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I bet God likes the shout out. Come visit me. I miss you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Shot in the forehead? What does that mean?

    So the less sex you have, the smaller your boobs get? And what if you're a man?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I recently bought a dress that I'm too nervous to even try one because I have a feeling it's going to be a horizontally puffy-maker, too.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'd kill to be as flat as a preteen. Let's face it, bras are torturous inventions and I only wear one to stop my girls tickling my belly button. If I was flat as a preteen I'd jog every day and I'd be as thin as... well a preteen. So basically its my breasts' fault I'm fat. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. HORIZONTAL PUFFINESS?

    Is that person still alive?

    ReplyDelete

talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.