Monday, April 18, 2011

i can't make this stuff up. honest.

I sew things.  It is superty fun for me.  Except lately, I haven't been sewing things because I have sewing machines that don't work.  Yes, machines.  What?  You have, umm, two, uh, coffee mugs, right?

Don't listen to me.  I don't know what I'm talking about.  

Sew.

I took my plural machines to the fancy-pants sewing center to get them repaired and tuned up.  AND THEY LAUGHED AT ME.  Because my plural machines are just that crappy, that's why.  

But then, the Owner Herself, the Sewing Machine Madame, took me by the hand and walked me over to the Gallery of Sewing Machine P*rn and showed me things I had never seen before and excited me in a way that I did not know was possible.  I tried to work the poker face.  I tried hard to look Totally Bored and Not At All Impressed In Any Way. 

And then I put a deposit down on Sewing Machine P*rn of my very own.  It could also have been considered a deposit on repairs for my plural pieces of crap machines.  Either way.  Just in case.  Ahem.

Because my plural pieces of crap machines are not yet repaired (and believe me, I'm using the term 'machines' VERY LOOSELY here), I borrowed some R-Rated Sewing Machine P*rn from someone who trusts me with their P*rn collection.

And I broke the needle-threader-thingy in five minutes.  Because I'm COMPLETELY AWESOME.

But tonight, I took awesome to a wholenother level.

I shattered a needle.  Don't ask me how, I'm just so awesome I can't even describe it.  Except to tell you that one piece of the needle was planted firmly between my front bottom teeth, and another piece was embedded in my tongue.  As in NEEDED TWEEZERS TO YANK IT OUT.  And for extra beauty?  I think I swallowed a piece.

Hi, I'm Pamela, and I have a sewing machine problem.

8 comments:

  1. i would take that as a sign that i am not meant to sew. or maybe that i really do need that tongue ring...

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  2. Is the needle shard in the tongue worse than when El got an anchovy bone embedded in her uvula? And is that how you spell uvula? The uvula is that little hangy-down thing in the back of your throat, right? If not, I apologize.

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  3. Ohmigosh. That is crazy. How is your tongue?

    When I was in 6th grade, we took Home Ec and learned to sew. A boy in our class had a needle fly out of the machine and go into his eye {no permanent damage done}. We had to wear safety goggles while sewing after that. Guess maybe goggles and mouth guards would be appropriate?

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  4. I got an anchovy bone stuck in my soft palate once. It was really awful. Not as awful as inadvertently piercing my own tongue, but awful still.

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  5. Oh dear. Maybe its time to go to sewing by hand.

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  6. I know that Mercury has just moved out of retrograde on Easter Sunday. Mercury is basically the planet that governs communications and electronics - think of the magnetics in the earth etc - when Mercury is in retrograde, machines stop, emails go missing, wiring is astray. It happens three times a year. Your machine might very well 'resurrect' it self. Great post. Katie x

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talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.