Thursday, May 14, 2009

you really ought to know

A little quick business: Don't forget to leave a comment on my birthday post. For every comment, I'm giving $1 to Jenn at Breed 'Em and Weep. AND!!!! One of my lovely readers who wishes to remain anonymous, has promised to match what I donate for the number of comments. SO GO COMMENT!!!

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I woke up to a wet-mouthed HB talking loudly in my face. Right in my face. MAMA!!! Da sun is up and it is good MORNING! GET UP!!!! I!!! AAAAAMMMMM!!!! HUUUUUUNNNNNGRYYYYYYY!!!!!

I considered his logic. Yes, I am the mama. Yes, the sun was up. Yes, I was pretty sure he was hungry. But good morning? I was not convinced.

You see, something has been really wrong in my life and I've been just way to upset to even bring it up. It's hard to pick up the pieces from shattering events... I believe I am suffering from PTBFPD*.

This latest episode of PTBFPD* was brought on by The Mister. I don't really talk about our marriage here, but with the whole Jon & Kate media frenzy going on right now, I wanted to put this out there first, before he can get a word in edgewise. Because it's totally working for Kate.

Anyway, I just wanted to assure you that The Mister's actions have not yet risen to the level of DEAL-BREAKER, but there most certainly is something going on, and being the sort of call-it-as-I-see-it girl I am, I'm going to call it out here.

I am, once again, suffering from Post Traumatic Broken French Press Disorder. Did you miss the first time he broke my French Press? You probably did, most of you weren't around then.

But now it's happened again. And don't tell me that because the length of time in between breakages was SO LONG that both breakages were accidental. Because I see a pattern here. He broke it. And then he broke it again.

He's jealous. I just know it.

Men, really, if your wife had a boyfriend, wouldn't you smash him to bits? Don't deny it, well, unless you don't like your wife, or if you were the one who set them up.

That is just what he's doing. He's trying to keep us apart. He thinks... well, to be honest, I don't know what he thinks. Because let me tell you, Mister The Mister, I will just go and BUY ANOTHER BOYFRIEND. That's what I'll do. And I'll buy another and another... Go ahead, keep smashing them, just try to keep us apart. It will never work. NEVER!!!

That being said, it's costing you about $15 every time you put a hit on my boyfriend. So maybe you could find another way to keep us apart. I'd supply you with a list of suggestions, but, well, I'm not going to do that. You're clever, you can figure it out on your own.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I really do appreciate the compost-taking-out that you did last night, but that was the leftover SCRUMPTIOUS BIRTHDAY SALAD that I was going to eat until my farts smelled of ginger and cilantro I was tired of it. I'm really working on not being a petty pissant graciousness and forgiveness, so I'm only going to dutch oven you once or fifteen times every night for the rest of the week going to just let this one go.

*Post Traumatic Broken French Press Disorder

8 comments:

  1. I used to have this awesome coffee pot that would grind the beans before brewing the coffee. Oh, how I loved that thing. One day I broke the carafe that went to the coffee maker. So I put it in the dining room and plugged in our substitute coffee pot until I could go out and get a new carafe. Except, my husband threw the coffee maker away. He said that I said it was broken and that he assumed that meant it should go in the trash. I immediately got the phone book and started looking up divorce lawyers.

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  2. ha, you guys could do your own tv show, I'd watch "The Mister and His Missus + 4"

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  3. Is there a stainless french press? Must. Investigate. Now.

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  4. Yes. Go investigate. At the very least, any French press that is not made of glass would be good.

    You needs something more durable, methinks.

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  5. We dudes are just clumsy that way. A little understanding goes a long way on this regard . . .

    ;-)

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  6. I know how you feel. My husband took the LAST COKE ZERO to work. Well you know what? When I've got a caffeine headache at the end of the day and I'm a pissy brat, don't blame me! :-p

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  7. This is a dangerous time to be either a husband OR a french press...I'll stand safely over here and wish you luck with the next round :)

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talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.