I was being all clever and having a grand old time writing a post about all of the ninetyeleven mundane things I've been doing for the past week when I wasn't blogging, as if you care. Because really? You don't know me. If I had to guess, I'd venture that most of you come here for... what do you come here for anyway?
So I was being all clever and working out some funny lines about homeschooling, and how everyone in my house seems to overflow the beds at the same time, and hundreds of quarts of canned goods, and Miss O got out of bed.
(insert whiny voice here) I'm hungry!!!!
Me: It's after 10. Go upstairs and get in bed.
O, still whining: meh meh meh meh me me me, meh me, meh, me whine moan cry.
Me (insert annoyed mama voice here) Do you hear the sound of my voice? Does it sound like I have stress in me? The whining is what puts the stress in me. I will not get you food. Go to bed. I want to do what I want to do.
She did eventually find her nice voice, and I did eventually manage to choke back the sarcasm that was dripping from every orifice, and I followed her upstairs.
It crept back, the stress and sarcasm; my heart started to pound just. a. little. bit. harder. with every crabby word she uttered. Every whiny statement, even the request to please cuddle her makes my muscles tighten.
I want to be alone.
My child wants to be near me. It's storming outside, the wind is blowing the leaves off the trees and the rain is pounding down. Of course she wants me to stay. I wouldn't want to be alone, in the dark, waiting to fall asleep if I were her.
So I sit, barely on the edge of the bed, with my right palm resting on her soft cheek, her left arm wrapped around my arm. I watch the little red numbers click on her clock, 10, 11, 12, 13, counting the increments of guilt I am earning for wishing this moment away.
Not that I'm wishing this moment away altogether, but the thought of something else beckons me away from being entirely present. It is in this moment that I experience my greatest failure as a parent. The time when my patience and ability to give expire. My selflessness has a limit, and that limit crushes my heart, and the heart of my dearest ones.
Stay! She cries as I stand to leave. And so I sit.
The clock ticks and she slips farther away from me.
So I was being all clever and working out some funny lines about homeschooling, and how everyone in my house seems to overflow the beds at the same time, and hundreds of quarts of canned goods, and Miss O got out of bed.
(insert whiny voice here) I'm hungry!!!!
Me: It's after 10. Go upstairs and get in bed.
O, still whining: meh meh meh meh me me me, meh me, meh, me whine moan cry.
Me (insert annoyed mama voice here) Do you hear the sound of my voice? Does it sound like I have stress in me? The whining is what puts the stress in me. I will not get you food. Go to bed. I want to do what I want to do.
She did eventually find her nice voice, and I did eventually manage to choke back the sarcasm that was dripping from every orifice, and I followed her upstairs.
It crept back, the stress and sarcasm; my heart started to pound just. a. little. bit. harder. with every crabby word she uttered. Every whiny statement, even the request to please cuddle her makes my muscles tighten.
I want to be alone.
My child wants to be near me. It's storming outside, the wind is blowing the leaves off the trees and the rain is pounding down. Of course she wants me to stay. I wouldn't want to be alone, in the dark, waiting to fall asleep if I were her.
So I sit, barely on the edge of the bed, with my right palm resting on her soft cheek, her left arm wrapped around my arm. I watch the little red numbers click on her clock, 10, 11, 12, 13, counting the increments of guilt I am earning for wishing this moment away.
Not that I'm wishing this moment away altogether, but the thought of something else beckons me away from being entirely present. It is in this moment that I experience my greatest failure as a parent. The time when my patience and ability to give expire. My selflessness has a limit, and that limit crushes my heart, and the heart of my dearest ones.
Stay! She cries as I stand to leave. And so I sit.
The clock ticks and she slips farther away from me.
Every Mama has those days.. and i'm glad I'm not the only one that can admit it!!!
ReplyDeleteI've had my fair share of wondering WHY I felt it was so important to get Shortman tucked in and myself back out to the living room when he was little. XXOO
ReplyDeletePamela, you rock.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, you have a wonderful way of taking your thoughts and putting them down in your blog - in a way that always makes me wonder if you've been reading my mind somehow!
Thank you for sharing what's in your heart!
Steph
I had plenty of those moments, and I only have two kids. Cut yourself a little slack, lady!
ReplyDeleteYou just get it, don't you? Not everyone does....
ReplyDeleteUm...yeah. In a nutshell.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this, thinking that my time is really important. That which sustains me allows me to regroup and be a better parent.
This is why it's so incredibly difficult in these moments (like you've so eloquently described). They need you, you need you, you need your time, you need to be alone.
I get it, I do.
This. This is the kind of thing that I come here for.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this SO much. Just this morning I was sitting on the couch with my boy, staring at him in disbelief (the good kind) that all he ever wants to do on any given minute of the day is be with me.
And I'm such a jerk.
Again with the "glad I'm not the only one"...
ReplyDeleteThat's the first time you've made me cry, Pamela.
ReplyDeleteOur babies are slipping away. And we have stuff to do.
Stuff that really needs to be done, but the babies are slipping away.
I can't post, I have to go hug the kids again.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good mama. We all have our moments but you always pull through. I don't know how you do it with four!
ReplyDeleteHow can you say that you failed? You stayed. Feeling like you want to leave isn't failure- that's like saying your bad if you laugh when someone trips. What you do, not what you think is what counts in this situation.
ReplyDeletesometimes giving them everything ... or what it feels like in that moment ... is what will get you what you want ... what you TRULY want ... someday down the road.
ReplyDeletethink long term baby. you don't really want to read another blog post ... you WANT to raise an independently lovely beautiful girl.
and it sucks that giving of yourself is sometimes what it takes to get there. i know. i do the same thing. and then i hate myself a little more the next day.
I have moments like this almost every day. I do understand that they are young so briefly and we have to cherish the moments, but I also feel strongly that we are allowed to be human too. Moms can have wants and needs and limits and one of them might just be a little alone time between their bed time and your bed time.
ReplyDeleteYou echo what I've gone thru too! That last line really resonated with me - with every hour, they grow up just a little bit more and it reminds me to hold them and cuddle them as long as I can! Before I know it, they'll be adults on their own!
ReplyDeleteYou echo what I've gone thru too! That last line really resonated with me - with every hour, they grow up just a little bit more and it reminds me to hold them and cuddle them as long as I can! Before I know it, they'll be adults on their own!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this, because so many of us have been there and continue to go there. Reading this gave me goosebumps and bought tears to my eyes for the many times I too have rushed a moment away which can never be reclaimed. We are humans at the end of the day and we none of us perfect. This is the fourth of your posts that I have read this morning and I have enjoyed all of them. I'm off to sign up to follow you now. Please take a moment to come have a laugh with me over at my blog:)
ReplyDeleteI'll be back soon to enjoy more!
Oh my. I just choked back tears through the whole thing. I deal with this so often. The feelings just come. The feelings of wanting "self" and time for that to happen. I appluad your honesty about it. Give yourself a break and a pat on the back for staying. Love you! XOXO
ReplyDelete