Sunday, May 8, 2011

there should have been a memo.

We got up with plenty of time to get to church at the appointed hour.  People were fed.  People were dressed.  People's hair got did.  Well, my hair got itself did, and even if that's the only hair that's did, we're calling that a win.  Shoes were being put on and tied when I noticed that nothing Miss O was wearing was a) clean, b) matchy-matchy, or c) fit her.  I decided to call out the clean and ill-fitting garmentry.

Me:  Gentle Calling Out of Ill-Fitting and Stained Clothing
Her:  MEGA-FREAKING-CRAZY-ASS-FLIP-OUT.
Me:  Slightly Less Gentle Calling Out of Both Clothing Issues and Behavioral Blowout
Her: I HATE YOU, YOU PSYCHO CRAZY PERSON WITH NO SENSE OF STYLE.
Me:  Those Clothes Are Fine For The Mud Pit But Not So Much For Church.  
Her: GRATUITOUS RETURN-FIRE SCREAMING
Me: etc., etc.

So she changed her shirt.  Now the ensemble included a (yes, also stained) Habitat for Humanity t-shirt, men's size large in robin's egg blue, the same ridiculous skirt that was sliding southward, and puddle boots.   Same conversation, lather, rinse, repeat.  Child returns with a sweater vest that hits a good inch above her belly button, which also exacerbates the situation because now we all can view the undergarments which reside below the south-slipping skirt.  

New! Conversation!  Visible belly buttons and visible undergarments are not appropriate to wear in public, especially in church.  Have you ever seen me with my belly button or undertrou hanging out in church?  Grandma?  Anybody?  I think not.  Well, except that one teenaged girl who has a serious Proper Foundation Garment Situation going on, in addition to a Proper Location of the Hemline Situation going on.  We're using her as an example of WHAT NOT TO WEAR.   

There was no further attempt at compliance on her part, so I chose a very appropriate and adorable outfit and  dressed her like a Kewpie doll and kicked her ass out the door to church.  

At church?  The boys were horrific.  I WANT TO FINGER-KNIT!!!! in the middle of silent praying.  Hello, there, underside of the pew, you're looking good!  Running, screaming, general jackholery.   It was unreal. 

They were even worse once we got home.  Beating the crap out of each other, running away, knocking Elliott into mud holes, hitting each other with thorn sticks, more dropping of the eggs, chasing chickens, refusing to wash the eleventy seven pounds of mud off, kicking me in the face with their wretched muddy feet when I (so, so gently) carried them up to their beds.

All the while, my phone was dinging with updates from the Effbooks:  
DING!!! My sweetie-honey-pies made me honey whipped cream topped chai lattes in bed.  
DING!!!  I haven't changed a diaper ALL!  DAY!  
DING!!!  MMMMmmmmm.... chocolate covered strawberries!  
DING!!!  My kids love me!  
DING!!! My kid did what I asked whilst singing "happy mother's day, my dearest darlingest motherest!!!"

Oh.My.Word.  I did not tell my children it was effing Mother's Day.  I'm not really into the whole "It's Mother's Day, so you little shits should get your acts together and be nice to me."  What I *AM* into is the whole "you live in this world so you should get your acts together and be nice in general".  All your ding-dong-ey-ness was making me a little bit jealous, though. all you people with cute, nice children who were well-prepped to be superty nice to you on effing Mother's Day.

Finally, at 2:30 in the afternoon, The Mister arrived home from work, the three boys were on Mandatory Nap that was going to last until I had taken a lovely nap, and then, and only then, would they be allowed out of bed.  I had my first cup of coffee of the day, with cream and vanilla bourbon sugar, and I was on the sofa under my superty comfy cozy loving quilt that has no elbows and does not climb on me.  I took a sip and closed my eyes.  I sighed.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, Elliott was charging up to me, and head butted my full mug of boiling hot coffee from underneath so that the entire cup of coffee flew up in the air and then down the front of my shirt.

I ripped my clothes of faster and louder than a stripper in a rage comic, threw the baby at the husband and buried myself back under my superty comfy cozy loving quilt that has no elbows and does not climb on me and also does not spill hot coffee on my breasts.  

And then I napped.  

Happy Effing Mother's Day, y'all.  


11 comments:

  1. Love it! Yea mothers day is a joke. Lol. Moms should b able to get a chance to relax and have mommy time, other than mops, on a weekly basis atleast. Lol. Did u at least enjoy ur nap?

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  2. Ding! I asked for and received a mimosa in bed. Half and half - nice and strong. And Ellie texted her boyfriend "she's asking for alcohol at 8 in the morning and apparently expecting the worst..." Also? She crocheted me a purse you would love.

    I'm sorry your day was like this - but it was an entertaining post!! And I have had my share of shit mothers days :). In fact - there is a distinct pattern - Bad One - Guilt - Good One. Last year was a bad one. This year I got shrimp. Grilled. And alcohol.

    But I didn't effbook about it and I found the dings rather tiresome, as well. I'd way rather read your blog post.

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  3. I had to host a bday party for 40 of my closest relatives. It included a bounce tent in my backyard and a full 3 hours of rain. Gah.

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  4. I got a card that sings some crazy song about being a mother, and 2 kids who are on top of each other ALl.THE.TIME... And, I know it's because the stupid school year ends in 15 days and they are REALLY putting pressure on both of my kids to perform well on standardized tests that neither of them EVER.Perform well on EVER!! So, I went to Red Lobster. Without my kids. And got seated in like 29 seconds (World's record)and ordered a top shelf margarita which comes with a side of Gran Marnier... WOWZER!!
    PS-- Please make school end, or these stupid tests...

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  5. Uhm... What's a rage comic? And I hate to say it, (because it is TOTALLY not any kind of I told you so, seriously) but the only reason my kids were prepped so well was because their teachers hit the Mother's Day thing HARD. Like brainwashing for a week straight. So maybe next year, as a present to yourself, you could have them visit a public school for a few days leading up to the BIG DAY and then... *poof* instant happy effbook dings. Also, it should be Daddy Takes Them to Work Day. Not so much Mommy Drags Them to Church Day. Mister? Hullo?

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  6. you should write a book
    (if you didn't already ...I don't know, I'm quite new here - and seriously searched your blog right now to find out if you wrote one - so that I wouldn't embarrass myself by saying "you should write a book" - to some well known author)
    really you should. I would buy it and read it million times until it would fall apart and then I would buy another copy.
    write a book :) - you make it all sound so hilarious :) - even the bad days like that :)
    I hope today was better - or at least more calm for you :)

    Happy (late) mom's day :)

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  7. sorry :( we don't do mother's day either other than going out to lunch. otherwise, it was full on normal pandemonium except my sister left after lunch so they were all too weepy and sad to make me miserable. yay!

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  8. I love your honesty and humor!

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  9. Eff Mother's day. Yeah, I said it. So what. I would never unfollow you. In fact, I want to follow you 73 more times after reading this.

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  10. My daughter's birthday was on Mother's Day this year, so I spent to whole day making her happy and meeting her rediculously high maintenance diva demands. Sorry you had a rough one! Glad you got a nappy!

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  11. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

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talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.