- It will be okay. I'm just going to start off with that one, because I'm probably going to say some things that will scare the living sh!t out of any of you who are not currently parents of children. It will be okay.
- It is highly likely that you will not want to have sex for the duration. Because weird things are happening to your body, man, and weirder things happen when you have what she's having. If you know what I mean.
- Hair will grow where no hair has grown before. For example, you may be horrified to find the random big black hair growing from your left shoulder. Or your belly. Or your breasts. JUST LIKE A MAN. Also, Hobbit Toes do occur. But on the plus side, the hair on your head might just be the most gorgeous hair you've ever had. Enjoy it while it lasts, though, because it will probably all fall out after the baby is born. And also? Personal grooming is going to become exceedingly difficult, so if you are one of those gals who likes to keep the green clipped, you need to weigh the importance of doing so with how it feels to get a Brazilian. I do hear there's something called sugaring that does the same work as wax. But there's nobody who's going to rub my girly pieces up with "sugar" and then rip away. Heck no, sister.
- There will be goo. And it will ooze from you in a most unattractive manner, requiring you to go through pads like gangbusters. If gangbusters were to use pads. Not sure about that, now that I'm thinking about it.
- You will probably find yourself grunting when you stand up. Personally, I find that it helps me to bust the inertia bubble that envelopes me every time I sit down. I'm claiming the grunt as a power noise that propels me to the next, painful stage of my day: Standing.
- You will probably develop a waddle. This can be avoided by keeping your shoulders back, and flexing your keister when you walk (this will also make your ass look better...bonus!) Do not confuse that flexing with Kegels.
- It may feel like your pelvis is trying to wrap around your spine. It is not. You may also feel like your pubic bone has come unglued. It has not. But it will hurt like a mother. Lucky for you, when you officially become a mother? Your bones go back mostly to normal. And you forget how much your nether regions hurt. Really. I am surprised daily by the amount of pain I am in, and The Mister keeps saying (over and over and over and over) This is exactly like every other time. This is totally normal. Oh, if I'd only give him a nickel for every time he said that, I'd keep myself in proper ice cream.
- Buy the most serious pads you can find for after the baby is born, and buy a lot of them. Because the situation with the post-partum discharge is this: HAVING THE CRAZIEST, HEAVIEST PERIOD OF YOUR LIFE FOR AT LEAST SIX WEEKS. Good news, though, with each subsequent birth, the length of time decreases considerably. With HB, I was finished with that in less than 2 weeks. And if you're having a c-section? I have no idea what to tell you about that. Fun Fact: Your body will continue to produce amniotic fluid, and sometimes that will pool up inside you if you sit for too long, and then when you stand up? It's just like your water is breaking. Again. Fun times, girls, fun times.
- It is possible to get through your pregnancy without suffering stupid, life-altering cravings. Really. If you need to make friends with a dietitian, do it. They know things, really useful things, that will keep you healthy and feeling well.
- Your body is designed to go through the whole process, from the fun trying-to-get-knocked (hopefully it was fun for you...I'd tell you stories about fun in the back yard last summer if I was that kind of girl and if my brothers didn't read this), to the Walking Petri Dish stage, to the birthing stage. Don't believe people who tell you stories that are obviously false, and don't listen to people who are obviously being mean. I worked with one of those mean ones, and she loved to tell me that when she was pregnant, her skin was stretched so thin she could see the baby. Here's a tip for people like that: Call bullshit, and punch her in the face. Don't worry about getting picked up for assault, everybody knows she had it coming. And if you see a doctor who says this: If you were my daughter, I'd sit down with you and talk to you about the benefits of having a cesarean section until you understood... Just because it looks like you might be having a big-ish baby? Please know that he most likely has a cash register for a heart, and sees your uterus as a piggy bank.*
Did I miss anything? Anybody want to yell at me about c-sections? What's the stupidest thing anybody said to you when you were pregnant?
*Of course there are cases where a c-section is medically necessary. There are. I just question the number of c-sections happening in relation to obstetric history and the seemingly unchanging infant mortality rate in this country (which, I will add, is shockingly high compared to the rest of the world). And yes, my OB actually did say that to me. And no, he is no longer my OB. I fired him.