Dear Anonymous,
In the comments of growing up is hard to do. oooh. you said this:
Plenty of my friends have ignored my weaknesses, but my best friends have called me on them to my face. Maybe it takes a true friend to speak truth, even if its not what we want to hear. A fair-weather friend would just walk away, not confront.
I hear what you're saying, and I appreciate you bringing up these points. I have people in my life who ignore my many weaknesses, and I have a couple really good friends who sit me down and tell me what for when I need to be told what for.
I don't always like to hear about it when I suck, because most of the time I am aware I suck and have been struggling with it already. But I do my best to digest what I've been told, and to consider the other person's opinion.
And in this case? I did just that. I was so utterly shocked and surprised to hear the things that were being said to me, about me, that I had no idea how to respond. So I thought and mulled and pondered and considered and punctuated all of those activities with prayers. I had a conversation with two people who I know will tell me the truth under any circumstance, confidantes who I use as a bit of a compass when I'm having a tough time. I asked these two to please confirm or deny the statements the person had made to me, and both were in agreement that that I'm not who the person said I was.
I agree that a fair-weather friend would walk away and not confront. But at the same time, I believe that it is a waste of time to plead the case of my truthfulness to a jury that already believes I'm dishonest.
I'm not a liar, see? I told you I'm not a liar, using the same mouth from which I allegedly lie. Do you believe me now?
What's the point in that? Why would the person want to be friends with me if she thinks I'm dishonest? Why would I want to be friends with a person who thinks I'm dishonest? How is that ever going to be a healthy relationship?
I'm the kind of girl who can really beat a dead horse. Just ask The Mister. (No, he does not play the dead horse in any scenario, he just knows me.) One of my life lessons has been learning to stop beating the horse once it has died. And here? I'm pretty sure the horse is dead.
Is it being fair-weather to walk away? Is it self-preservation? Sometimes walking away is just that, walking away.
If you would like to discuss this further, leave a comment, or email me at thedaytontime (at) gmail (dot) com. Or give me a call...I say that because most of the time my anonymous comment-leavers know how to get me on the phone.
I appreciate everyone's comments and kind words, as one of the functions of this little corner of West Blogoslovakifornia is to help me work out my stuff.
Sincerely,
pd
In the comments of growing up is hard to do. oooh. you said this:
Plenty of my friends have ignored my weaknesses, but my best friends have called me on them to my face. Maybe it takes a true friend to speak truth, even if its not what we want to hear. A fair-weather friend would just walk away, not confront.
I hear what you're saying, and I appreciate you bringing up these points. I have people in my life who ignore my many weaknesses, and I have a couple really good friends who sit me down and tell me what for when I need to be told what for.
I don't always like to hear about it when I suck, because most of the time I am aware I suck and have been struggling with it already. But I do my best to digest what I've been told, and to consider the other person's opinion.
And in this case? I did just that. I was so utterly shocked and surprised to hear the things that were being said to me, about me, that I had no idea how to respond. So I thought and mulled and pondered and considered and punctuated all of those activities with prayers. I had a conversation with two people who I know will tell me the truth under any circumstance, confidantes who I use as a bit of a compass when I'm having a tough time. I asked these two to please confirm or deny the statements the person had made to me, and both were in agreement that that I'm not who the person said I was.
I agree that a fair-weather friend would walk away and not confront. But at the same time, I believe that it is a waste of time to plead the case of my truthfulness to a jury that already believes I'm dishonest.
I'm not a liar, see? I told you I'm not a liar, using the same mouth from which I allegedly lie. Do you believe me now?
What's the point in that? Why would the person want to be friends with me if she thinks I'm dishonest? Why would I want to be friends with a person who thinks I'm dishonest? How is that ever going to be a healthy relationship?
I'm the kind of girl who can really beat a dead horse. Just ask The Mister. (No, he does not play the dead horse in any scenario, he just knows me.) One of my life lessons has been learning to stop beating the horse once it has died. And here? I'm pretty sure the horse is dead.
Is it being fair-weather to walk away? Is it self-preservation? Sometimes walking away is just that, walking away.
If you would like to discuss this further, leave a comment, or email me at thedaytontime (at) gmail (dot) com. Or give me a call...I say that because most of the time my anonymous comment-leavers know how to get me on the phone.
I appreciate everyone's comments and kind words, as one of the functions of this little corner of West Blogoslovakifornia is to help me work out my stuff.
Sincerely,
pd
I read your previous blog as well as part 2. I personally believe that a best friend or a friend in general is someone you can be frank with...however, you have to know your limits and when to not even think about attempting to cross any boarders that will have you shot dead within 2 seconds of crossing them....(like the statement that was made about your Children and how you don't like the first 3 so why have another).
ReplyDeleteI also believe that how you speak to someone, your tone of voice, the words you use, your facial expressions, is imperative to how you convey the message your trying to speak.
If this was your friend, even a semi-descent friend, wouldn't have put you in a position, that would compromise your relationship if she really was on the path, of working things out and trying to salvage what remaining strings were un-severed.
While you should be able to talk about anything with a friend, even if there are questions, concerns, and comments that may be hard to bring up, or may seem uncomfortable
a true friend would lay it on the table, but once again it's all about how it's said.
Could this person have made a mistake and you mistook what she was saying?....perhaps... Perhaps it did come out all wrong on her end....it does happen....
But some how I doubt it, I don't think it came out wrong and I don't think you misinterpreted your conversation or her comments.
Unfortunately some people are like that...and there is nothing you or I can do.
Growing apart is one thing, due to life situations or circumstances, people get busy...it happens.
Was it growing apart?...really? or as you look back, can you see a pattern this person has used before??? Maybe not with you, but you have witnessed it being done to someone else?
And if so, was this person really a friend at all....true friends are like diamonds precious and rare....false friends are like autumns leaves found everywhere.
anyways on a happier note, I think your positively the best, and it has been an honor getting to know you.
Oh, Pamela. Blech. I hate this kind of stuff.
ReplyDeleteI agree that a true friend will tell you something that REALLY needs to be said, but it has to be done kindly. If she's been making snide comments all along, then she's probably not the kind of friend you need.
Sometimes a very difficult part of self-preservation is knowing when to part ways with people who make your life miserable.
When this kind of thing happens to me, I beat the dead horse, too.
Too much introspection leaves you with more questions and no answers.
ReplyDeletehey....i love you and dont think you are a liar! oh...and i am glad i didnt try to kick your butt all those years ago :)...the mister worked it out on his own...cuz he's that kinda guy..
ReplyDeletevanessa
I just read both blogs and appreciate what you have written. It does help to think of some friends as seasonal. But it hurts so badly when someone you considered a friend is dishonest with you and leaves you in a bad business situation. I honestly don't how long it will take me to get over the deep hurt she has caused me (both emotionally and financially)
ReplyDeletePamela,
ReplyDeleteEmail problems over here---sorry to show up on the blog just to talk about lemon cake! Your contribution to the lemonade stand sounds wonderful and is most appreciated! Amount and packaging is totally up to you. If you have any questions let me know! Thanks SO very much!
Meg
When faced with that kind of situation, I don't beat the dead horse, I shoot it and walk away. You can't take back remarks like she made about you not liking your children and being a liar. That stuff comes from a really deep place that is dark and ugly...you don't need that in your life. Ever.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I realize the horse would already be dead when I shot it, but I am a fan of grand gestures. :)
ReplyDelete