Monday, February 14, 2011


It is quiet.  There is a Henry Boy nestled in my bed, a Jack nestled in Jack's bed, and an Elliott in a new-to-us toddler bed.  The Mister and Miss O are reading a Redwall book in her room.  And I'm here.

Things are fuzzy tonight; they have not been fuzzy all day.   There was no fuzzy yesterday, but yesterday I forgot to take the steroids that dull the pain and cause the migraine that needs the drugs that bring the fuzzy... and today I took the steroids.  My face lit on fire and my scalp seared the roots of my hair and my eyes travelled in circles and my head spun and my feet shuffled and I became cross again.  So I took the drugs that make all of that go away.

But, at this very moment, I do not hurt.  

There was a doctor appointment in which many things were discussed.  Rheumatologist.  Blood test. Another blood test, and then some more blood test after that.  Geneticist.  Gastro-blah-blah-ologist (no offense to the gastroblahblahologists out there).  Procedures that finish and render impossibilities, while at the verysame time create opportunity.  Things with disease and disorder in the names.  

Things were fuzzy that day, too, but not because of the drugs that bring the fuzzy.  And not because of the disease and disorder, either.  Things were fuzzy because of the spark of hope that was kindled by the identification of which disease and disorder, and the knowledge that all of this is not created by my crazy brain.

I'm not crazy.  I'm not crazy.  This is real and I've had it my entire life and there's a reason I've always felt tired and old and horrible.  There's an actual organic cause to the antenatal depression I suffered when I was pregnant with Elliott, and I didn't make it up and it's not ever been faked or used to get attention or any of the things I was told when I was growing up.  It is possible that I felt that way  because that's the way I felt and now I have proof.

Things are fuzzy, but the relief is so crystal clear and I am holding it close.


  1. Sweet. Wishing you peace and a warm, safe center.

  2. Validation is a seriously comforting thing. I'm sorry you're hurting, but so glad you have that spark of hope.

  3. There is NO objective measure of pain. If you are in pain, you are in pain, and NO one can say otherwise. I am an expert in this field.

  4. so sorry about the fuzzy and the pain! answers are good and i hops you get some soon!

  5. aw honey, i'm sorry you're in pain and have been in pain but huzzah! for validation.

  6. You deserve a lot of credit for managing all the things you do, especially given your hopefully-soon-to-be-defined diagnosis. Seriously. I have strep throat and vacuumed most of a small hallway & part of a bedroom. I want a babysitter and a high octane painkiller (acetaminophen ain't touching this throat pain, ugh!) and a nap. I feel like I deserve a medal for my mini-vacuuming accomplishment. You're taking care of business with 4 kids and a household to run! I hope they can find out what it is and fix it asap!

  7. Answers are always good, I'm so glad you're getting them, and will be on the road to helping whatever's up, dear!

  8. Fingers crossed that you can get some answers.

    Ps. My husband loves the Redwall books. Brian Jacques died a week or two ago and husband was crushed. He promptly bought all the rest of the books that were currently not in his collection. I can't wait until we have little ones he can read these to.

  9. I am sorry you are experiencing so much pain, and I am happy that some relief is near. You write so authentically and beautifully about your experiences and the pain. Thank you for your honesty. Sending you warm, peace-filled and healing wishes!
    PS Thank you for visiting my space. It's so nice to meet you!

  10. I'm so glad. I hope you are quiet because you are processing the answers you received. Thinking of you.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.