Break up fight between O & J.
Wonder why HB is screaming. Oh, kicked in the face? Right. Of course.
Discipline J, but not by kicking him in the face. That is bad.
Vile diaper. Must be that is how HB deals with getting kicked in the face. (Note to self: remind everyone NOT to kick HB in the face.)
Notice sketchy diaper rash. Not rashy-looking, exactly, more just pretty pink skin. Like a Fuji apple.
Deal with bread.
Feed the team.
Take the team outside, even though they really should take a nap.
Do lot of math to figure out how much 227 pounds of asparagus costs. $397.50, if you were wondering. And no, it is not all for me. That would make our house smell like stinky asparagus pee, and that would be gross.
Put team in car.
Oops, but first, move ALL OF THE CAR SEATS to the middle row of vehicle, in order to accommodate 227 pounds of asparagus, which will be in eight 25 pound boxes and one 27 pound box.
Actually put team in car.
Go to the Tractor Supply store to buy Red Clover seed to make my tomatoes happy. Get what might be a good deal: a 50 pound bag originally costing $99, for $30. Lower germination rate, because the seed was from December, but I'm not growing a crop, here, just a ground cover.
Get a phone call from a friend, who asks a very oddly-worded question. Say I don't understand what you are asking. Friend re-words question by putting the same exact words in a different order. Say I don't understand what you are asking. Friend re-words question by putting exact same words in a new, different order. Say I don't understand what you are asking. Finally, after exhausting all of the permutations of the words in the question, thereby giving me enough time to kindasorta figure things out, I answered. Friend did not really like my answer (which was not an opinion sort of answer, pretty much fact-based and all). I attempted to joke with Friend about not dropping money off for the asparagus.
Get groceries, speedy quick. Team somewhat cooperative.
Get back in the car, notice voicemail on the phone. Listen to Friend's voicemail. She called back to leave me a 19 year long message about how I treated her like crap in front of her student (over the phone, mind you), and how I am just so rude and on and on and on and how she had rude kids all day long and on and on and on.
Scratch head on the way to other friend's house to pick up money for asparagus, refrain from calling Friend back and Actually Being Rude.
Called Friend back and Apologized Profusely And Genuinely While Saying In A Straight-Forward Manner I Really Truly Have No Idea What In God's Name She Is Talking About.
Make 354987321349876 more stops before picking up 227 pounds of asparagus.
Notice the baby kindasorta looks like a tomato.
Make 76543 stops before coming home.
Attempt to make dinner for the children whilst weighing out people's pounds of asparagus.
Put bread in the oven, hope it isn't overproofed.
Attempt to feed the children dinner that they really Are Not Going To Eat In This Lifetime Even Though It Is The Single Most Desireable Food Ever.
Measure more and more and more asparagus.
Notice the baby has enormous welts on his arms and legs, and that he is a bright, sort of food coloring color of red. Not the kind of red that actually happens naturally.
Call Cross Current, call the on-call doctor. I hate calling the on-call. I know it's their jobs, but the doctor on-call last night has three small children, and it was getting bedtime-ish, and really, who wants to hear about a rashy baby?
Send my mother to the pharmacy for Benadryl. And ice for my whisky, which I was planning to get into. With a pint glass normally reserved for beer. Aim high, that's what I tell the kids.
Got a phone call from Friend, who said it was highly likely she was being oversensitive and that she had the Worst Day Ever, which included passing out at the eye doctor (whatthe?!?!?), and that she hopes we can just be over it. I breathe a sigh of relief.
Put the children to bed whilst continuing to measure out asparagus.
Visit with an old friend (she's not old, I've just known her longer than my kids, so that makes her old). Try to have intelligent conversation without falling asleep midsentence.
The Mister came home around 9:30. He fetched me booze. Thank God.
Friend stayed until 11 (and that is a good thing).
I fell asleep at 11:02. It would have been sooner, but I had to brush my teeth and take my contacts out.
All this on no coffee.