It would really be more accurate to say, We interrupt this five seconds to demand from you, but that might just make it sound like I'm being whine-y. And Lord knows we have enough whine around here. Enough wine? Not so much. It's sad, anyway you look at it.
But to make us feel better, and by US, I mean me and The Mister, not me and you, but if you wanted to swing by and share some of this with me:
Don't see it? The picture of the ENORMOUS and GIGANTIC bottle of Maker's Mark in my pantry?
Right. And this is why: I just. Drank. It. All.
And this is why: Due to the location of my computer (upstairs in the hallway, between the short people's bedrooms), I am often interrupted in my blogging/blog-reading/searching the internets activities by sounds of horrifying things coming from the room shared by the 2 tallest short people.
I give you today's edition of Is It Happy Hour Yet?
J: I have to pee.
O: Don't get out of bed. Mommy will be mad at you.
J: I have to pee.
O: Well run to the bathroom then. Hurry. Maybe she won't notice.
Me, thinking: AS IF, on so many levels. Maybe I won't hear your elephantine stomp through the whole upstairs. Maybe I won't notice your shiny white bottom streaking by me as I attempt to document this event for the whole world to see. Maybe...
J: I just pee in this cup right here.
Me: NO. TOILET. TOILET. NOW!!!!!
J: I have too much pee for this tiny wittle cup. It's spillin' on the fwoor.
Me: Silent scream.
I walked into the room to see Jack holding a pink, plastic teacup with a volume of about 1.2 ounces, full of pee, and a colossal puddle on the floor.
I gently, but firmly encouraged wee Jack to get his pee-covered self into the bathroom to clean off. Jack, I said, what were you thinking? We don't PEE in CUPS. We pee in the TOILET.
And on trees. And in holes in the ground and on rocks. Says Master of Where To Use It Outside.
Right. That's for outside. But you don't pee in toys. That's gross. It's grosser than drinking the bathwater.
I know the risks of assumption, but there is someone close to us who regularly 'uses it' in Mountain Dew empties. Nothing says potential drink-induced bacterial infection like a plastic bottle holding a yellow liquid similar to the liquid it is intended to hold. I feel compelled to assume that this Person, He Who Will Not Be Named (for the moment, at least) has done this in front of my impressionable son.
And He Who Will Not Be Named Yet knows who He is. Be careful, you. There is a young lad equipped to take a mighty piss in your Mountain Dew. And a mama who just might give him a quarter to do it.