And here I am, to tell you this:
THERE IS THE BARF!!!! AND I HATE THE BARF!!! AND IN MY NEXT LIFE, I HAD BETTER HAVE CHILDREN WHO DO. NOT. DO. THE. BARFING!!! OR JUST GET ME A MAID!!! OR I COULD SELL YOU MY CHILDREN.
Is there a place to send vile children until springtime comes around? Because really? I am open to the options, people, I really am. Maybe some sort of storage center for short people, where they have some sort of vastly advanced medical procedures (and vacuums for the barf) to rid the world of all the vileness?
All I can say is that I'm really glad I've started going to bed when the kids go to bed.
At 1:53 this morning, HB trotted merrily up to my bedside and said, Mama, my bed is messy. Need to clean the sheets. When I hear the word MESSY, I think POOP. So I patted his keister, and sure enough, it was damp. And then, because I'm a mom and for no other reason than that, I sniffed my hand, which was oddly fruity-smelling.
That kid is cranking out some weird poop lately. That's what I thought, mostly because at 1:53 in the morning, the analytical portion of my brain is asleep. I was not surprised by strawberry-scented poop.
So I stripped him down to clean poop, and wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles (name that musical), THERE WAS NO NASTY POOP!!!!
I was not overwhelmed by joy. In fact, there was a loud megaphone-ish voice that announced: JOY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
So then, blahblahblah sheets, blahblahblah blankets, blahblahblah washing machine, stupidstupidstupid sip of water, blahblahblah went back upstairs.
Upon arriving at the top of the stairs, HB poured out the contents of his stomach all over the play room. And the hall. And the bathroom. I will not take you there but to say this: Our playroom rug was a great buy. It hides the dirt as well as the barfed up refried bean burritos. And also? I picked up beans for about 40 minutes.
Moving on.
There were two additional loads of laundry, including my pants.
So it was only natural that we sat down to watch A Bug's Life at 4 am. Right? Because HB was wiggling and squirming, and I was not about to clean up more puke if I could avoid it, so we stayed up for a while. And as an added bonus, Miss O joined us, as the overwhelming odor from the playroom had saturated her bedroom and she was not going to be sleeping with that, so there.
The three of us slept in the living room, Miss O stretched out on one sofa, HB stretched out on the other sofa, and me, curled up in a tiny ball, because as you know, I'm currently super tiny, and totally haven't put on twenty pounds in the past 8.5 months because I'm with child or anything.
This has been the most ridiculous winter of my life. And yes, that's making everybody's illnesses all about me. Well, it's my blog, and I'm tired and cranky and exacerbatingly pregnant and I will make it about me if I want to so there. I am seriously going to fire the next person who comes down with the mung, because I have had enough already.
Oh, and Catherine? To answer your question, they are still laughing at me.
THERE IS THE BARF!!!! AND I HATE THE BARF!!! AND IN MY NEXT LIFE, I HAD BETTER HAVE CHILDREN WHO DO. NOT. DO. THE. BARFING!!! OR JUST GET ME A MAID!!! OR I COULD SELL YOU MY CHILDREN.
Is there a place to send vile children until springtime comes around? Because really? I am open to the options, people, I really am. Maybe some sort of storage center for short people, where they have some sort of vastly advanced medical procedures (and vacuums for the barf) to rid the world of all the vileness?
All I can say is that I'm really glad I've started going to bed when the kids go to bed.
At 1:53 this morning, HB trotted merrily up to my bedside and said, Mama, my bed is messy. Need to clean the sheets. When I hear the word MESSY, I think POOP. So I patted his keister, and sure enough, it was damp. And then, because I'm a mom and for no other reason than that, I sniffed my hand, which was oddly fruity-smelling.
That kid is cranking out some weird poop lately. That's what I thought, mostly because at 1:53 in the morning, the analytical portion of my brain is asleep. I was not surprised by strawberry-scented poop.
So I stripped him down to clean poop, and wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles (name that musical), THERE WAS NO NASTY POOP!!!!
I was not overwhelmed by joy. In fact, there was a loud megaphone-ish voice that announced: JOY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
So then, blahblahblah sheets, blahblahblah blankets, blahblahblah washing machine, stupidstupidstupid sip of water, blahblahblah went back upstairs.
Upon arriving at the top of the stairs, HB poured out the contents of his stomach all over the play room. And the hall. And the bathroom. I will not take you there but to say this: Our playroom rug was a great buy. It hides the dirt as well as the barfed up refried bean burritos. And also? I picked up beans for about 40 minutes.
Moving on.
There were two additional loads of laundry, including my pants.
So it was only natural that we sat down to watch A Bug's Life at 4 am. Right? Because HB was wiggling and squirming, and I was not about to clean up more puke if I could avoid it, so we stayed up for a while. And as an added bonus, Miss O joined us, as the overwhelming odor from the playroom had saturated her bedroom and she was not going to be sleeping with that, so there.
The three of us slept in the living room, Miss O stretched out on one sofa, HB stretched out on the other sofa, and me, curled up in a tiny ball, because as you know, I'm currently super tiny, and totally haven't put on twenty pounds in the past 8.5 months because I'm with child or anything.
This has been the most ridiculous winter of my life. And yes, that's making everybody's illnesses all about me. Well, it's my blog, and I'm tired and cranky and exacerbatingly pregnant and I will make it about me if I want to so there. I am seriously going to fire the next person who comes down with the mung, because I have had enough already.
Oh, and Catherine? To answer your question, they are still laughing at me.
if you find a place that takes them ... call me.
ReplyDeletei have heard "mama ... i pook" through the baby monitor ... TOO MANY TIMES this month.
Just think about how unassuming and sweet that baby's spit up is going to be comparatively speaking. ;-)
ReplyDeleteOh no... Annie puked the other night too... I hope you will still let us come over and play. Don't ban us!!
ReplyDeleteOh no... Annie puked the other night too... I hope you will still let us come over and play. Don't ban us!!
ReplyDeleteggggggrrrrrroooooosssss.
ReplyDeleteBail.
Pull a Thelma and Louise.
Come to Philadelphia.
I remember a ministry weekend that you helped me with. I remeber a little hysterical girl you were trying to help. I remember your reaction when little girl hurled. I remember saying I'll feel sorry for you when you have kids of your own. Well, that time has come.
ReplyDeletebeans, beans,
ReplyDeletethe magical fruit.
the more you eat,
the more you puke?
the more you puke,
the more mommy squeals
so lets puke beans after every meal!
Oh my...I'm a little gaggy just thinking about it. So...what you are telling me is that open letter didn't work out so well?
ReplyDeleteSorry, but this just made my day. I thought the sick dog last night occured only in my dreams & I wouldn't dare to tell anyone how I was up all night cleaning & watching TV b/c why lay back down at 4 am when the alarm goes off at 530 anyways?! Thanks for the laugh; my day is getting better by the minute. Hope yours is too!
ReplyDeleteDude, it just sucks to be your right now! sorry bout your luck, wish I had something better for ya.
ReplyDeleteFiddler on the Roof is the quoted musical. love that one.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it seems the Open Letter to My Family was not as well-received as I had hoped.
ReplyDeleteAlas.
And I'm glad I made your day, Julie.
And SarahV is the smartypants of the day. Also? I like the tagline on your profile, SarahV. It made me smile. I wanted to email you that, but your email didn't show up in your comment.
It's hard being woken up in the middle of the night. Have you figured out what caused the illness?
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY how you feel! Ethan's been doing it for weeks, and last night Emma woke me up and proceeded to puke on the living room floor, the kitchen floor, the bathroom floor, and finally the toilet!
ReplyDeleteI brought Ethan to the doctor's since he has had this off and on since the 12th. They said "lucky him he has caught it twice." Woo Hoo! And since he tends to wake up and puke and he has wet nasal passages, post nasal drip is probably adding to the frequency of the vomit! Hopefully we are nearing the end.