I'm a lifelong member of the Heterosexual Party. And by Party, I don't mean more than one at a time (in my real life), so let's not get all excited here. The title isn't Pamela Discusses Her Actual Rompings. So just remember that. My brain is all wired up to be fond of men, and that's just how it is.
Pregnancy does weird things to my brain. I think I've mentioned that before. Previously, pregnancy caused me to have absolutely no concept of the (horrible) things that came out of my mouth... umm, not barf, just words... I had a perpetual state of stupid, I could remember nothing. It was all very general, day to day related stuff that was completely screwed by being knocked up.
This pregnancy is different. People have actually said the following things to me:
Person #1: I was really worried when I heard you were pregnant. But you're so NICE this time.
Person #2: I was shocked when you were pregnant. You don't act like you like your kids most of the time. But it seems to be going well. That's great!
Person #3: You're so normal this time.
Person #4: This pregnancy seems like the pregnancy a normal person would have.
And I will admit, the Person #2 is still alive, and Person #4? Well, that was my mother, so we're just going to leave that one alone. Also? We are just going to assume that they were all well-meaning, because I'm okay with being a little delusional. If you haven't noticed.
The real problem with this pregnancy is the dreams I have been having. I am pretty sure I stopped dreaming after Miss O was born, a combination of the Mother Switch being flipped to the ON position in my brain, and also the increasingly bad snoring and sleeping activity that was going on with the person who sleeps to my right. I just didn't get to the dreaming stage of sleeping.
But now? Vivid. Action-packed. Dreams. The kind of dreams of which you are perfectly aware, whilst dreaming, that you're dreaming, and despite all efforts, are unable to wake up. These are some serious dreams. Not scary, just odd.
In my dreams? I am having crazy sex with my pregnant friends. It's not like a pregnant lady orgy or anything, but about once a week we get. it. on. Barry White would be impressed. And proud. And probably he'd be hot for the mamas. Just guessing, there, but I'd put five dollars down on that one.
I actually apologized to someone the other day. We were on the phone, and I just blurted it out.
Me: I have to apologize to you because last night...
H: STOP! You violated me, didn't you? In your dream?
Me: Well, you really did enjoy yourself, so I wouldn't actually use the word...okay, pretty much. But you returned the favour.
To make it even more weirder? She and another friend fancy themselves engaged to me (because technically we are, because it's good to have a back-up plan, that's why), and THEY ACTUALLY HAVE CONVERSATIONS THAT GO LIKE THIS:
H: When we're all married, I get to eat what she cooks, but you have to have sex with her.
J: Aw, come on! I'm so not into that! I don't wanna!
I ask you: Am I so like Quasi-Modo? Unattractive? You want the cow, but you don't want to milk the cow? For Pete's Sake, people. I have a back-up plan ON PURPOSE! If you want a kitchen wench who bakes bad-ass cakes and cooks all yummy-like, you're gonna have to properly attend to your wench. Or the wench will go on strike, and then what good is the back-up plan!
Pregnancy does weird things to my brain. I think I've mentioned that before. Previously, pregnancy caused me to have absolutely no concept of the (horrible) things that came out of my mouth... umm, not barf, just words... I had a perpetual state of stupid, I could remember nothing. It was all very general, day to day related stuff that was completely screwed by being knocked up.
This pregnancy is different. People have actually said the following things to me:
Person #1: I was really worried when I heard you were pregnant. But you're so NICE this time.
Person #2: I was shocked when you were pregnant. You don't act like you like your kids most of the time. But it seems to be going well. That's great!
Person #3: You're so normal this time.
Person #4: This pregnancy seems like the pregnancy a normal person would have.
And I will admit, the Person #2 is still alive, and Person #4? Well, that was my mother, so we're just going to leave that one alone. Also? We are just going to assume that they were all well-meaning, because I'm okay with being a little delusional. If you haven't noticed.
The real problem with this pregnancy is the dreams I have been having. I am pretty sure I stopped dreaming after Miss O was born, a combination of the Mother Switch being flipped to the ON position in my brain, and also the increasingly bad snoring and sleeping activity that was going on with the person who sleeps to my right. I just didn't get to the dreaming stage of sleeping.
But now? Vivid. Action-packed. Dreams. The kind of dreams of which you are perfectly aware, whilst dreaming, that you're dreaming, and despite all efforts, are unable to wake up. These are some serious dreams. Not scary, just odd.
In my dreams? I am having crazy sex with my pregnant friends. It's not like a pregnant lady orgy or anything, but about once a week we get. it. on. Barry White would be impressed. And proud. And probably he'd be hot for the mamas. Just guessing, there, but I'd put five dollars down on that one.
I actually apologized to someone the other day. We were on the phone, and I just blurted it out.
Me: I have to apologize to you because last night...
H: STOP! You violated me, didn't you? In your dream?
Me: Well, you really did enjoy yourself, so I wouldn't actually use the word...okay, pretty much. But you returned the favour.
To make it even more weirder? She and another friend fancy themselves engaged to me (because technically we are, because it's good to have a back-up plan, that's why), and THEY ACTUALLY HAVE CONVERSATIONS THAT GO LIKE THIS:
H: When we're all married, I get to eat what she cooks, but you have to have sex with her.
J: Aw, come on! I'm so not into that! I don't wanna!
I ask you: Am I so like Quasi-Modo? Unattractive? You want the cow, but you don't want to milk the cow? For Pete's Sake, people. I have a back-up plan ON PURPOSE! If you want a kitchen wench who bakes bad-ass cakes and cooks all yummy-like, you're gonna have to properly attend to your wench. Or the wench will go on strike, and then what good is the back-up plan!
Not that it matters, really. Because I have a real back-up plan. And here it is: Should The Mister kick it before me, I actually have no intention of getting married again. Or dating. Because dating sucked. It was awful. That's why me and The Mister didn't really date too much before we got married. Dating is horrid. So my plan is that after I get over the initial shock, and plod through the whole grieving thing? I will just be. And I am okay with that.
So in an effort to be as kind and considerate as possible, I am officially breaking my engagements to H and J. I'm sorry, girls, but it's just not going to work out. I couldn't string you along like that and keep you from whatever it was I may have been keeping you from.
I hope we can still be friends.
Would this be an awkward time to mention that I dreamed about you last night? Don't worry. Not a sex dream. We just decided to show up at your house unannounced to say, "HI!"
ReplyDeleteI need a wife. But If I ever get a wife, I'm not going to want to have sex with her. So you can be my nonsex wife.
ReplyDeleteOf course, that means that you have to be like a donna reed 1950's wife, you can't just sit around on your ass all day and bark at the kids and watch your stories on the tv .... because that's what I wanna do.
So I must not have been THAT good in said dream... AND I told you not to mention said dream to JOCELYN! Sheesh... I am pretty sure she is going to find out now.
ReplyDelete~tear~ I am also so glad that you broke this to me in person before I read it on the blog that announces to the world that I have been dumped by a girl...
I am pretty sure that we can still be friends as long as you keep sharing your favorite recipes with me. I still <3 you.
Dude!! I totally turned into a normal-vivid-sex-dreaming pregnant lady with my 4th and 5th babies.. after being a -oh-my-gosh-just-put-duct-tape-on-her-nasty-mouth meanie during the first three.. weird.
ReplyDeletebut.. I don't think I ever dreamed about having sex with other pregnant womens.. hm.
Pamela, it always turns to cows with us it seems, but, honestly? Why buy the cow when I get the milk for free? We both know I want you for your cakes, and I already get those, so, I'm okay with the break up. So long as the cake keeps coming. And the occasional french press interlude.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Joce
Oh, Hanna. You were *that* good.
ReplyDeleteAnd Joce? I will never stop making cake. That is the final word on cakes. In fact, I have a red cake recipe from Jen at Blissfully Caffinated that I'm making tomorrow. Just in case you needed to have some cake tomorrow.
DAMMIT!!!!!!!! I went to Pamela's TODAY!! WHY? WHY? WHY? Why couldn't I have just waited til tomorrow?
ReplyDeleteOh delicious red cake goddess! (Sorry, God, not in the idolatory kind of way... in the human glutony kind of way.)
Oh yeah, and I AM that good. Not just in your dreams (or mine)... just ask my husband... not that he'll tell you, he does want to keep me.
Aaah, pregnancy dreams. I remember them well. Mine were mostly violent, though, so consider yourself lucky. I think. Though, now that I think of it, sex dreams involving other pregnant women, yeah. Weird. :)
ReplyDeleteSEX SEX SEX I had tons of sex with EVERYTHING when I was preggers. manwomenanimal just call me Madonna. They would be so vivid too. I would wake up and go about my day and then all of a sudden I would have these waves of guilt come over me like I had actually done it. I remember telling Brian about them and I think he was actually getting jeoulous. I would swear that I was probably dryhumping the sheets or something.
ReplyDeleteI would say enjoy it while it lasts, but the sex with women and amimals was a little to much for me. Dream on sister, Dream on
OOOh, how funny. I had the same weird sex dreams with my 3 son. I dreamed my best friend and I were...well you know..but the weirdest part was she had these really long dirty nasty fingernails that I kept trying to get her to scratch me with??? what the ?&*^^^
ReplyDeleteI hope you punched person #2 in the face. Even if it is your mother.
ReplyDeleteSex dreams are the very best part of being pregnant.