open letter to my family

Dear ones,

It has come to my attention that you refuse to be healthy. You turn down nutritious, tasty meals in favor of anything else you can possibly get your hands on, you will not take naps or even rest, you have your fingers up your noses for 23 hours a day, and you will not wash your hands or bathe.

There will be no more nose picking, and you can be damn sure there will be no more booger eating. Every time I see a finger up a nose, I will cut it off. There is no 1-2-3- Magic counting that will be done, I will just go ahead and snip. You can think of this as my gift to you, as you will probably not have to wash your hands after one day of the new policy taking effect.

You will not pee your pants. The person who chooses to do so will be required to wear a diaper until further notice. Be advised that I will not be purchasing large diapers to cover your large-ish bottoms, you will be wearing cloth. And you will launder the diapers regularly.

You will eat the food that is placed in front of you, or you will be hungry. If you whine about the offerings, or, well, anything for that matter? I will lock you in a tower like Rapunzel, and you may only come out when your hair is long enough for the prince to save you.

You will not associate with other vile children. I'm sorry if that means your education was cut short, or if you don't receive an education at all, but it is not cool to be a vector and to bring home samples of other children's boogers and nastiness to share with your family. That is not loving.

You will eat dirt. I hear it's good for you, and apparently you all have not been consuming enough dirt to keep you healthy. One tablespoon daily, before or after breakfast, your choice. Also? You will take your medicine, and you will not whine about any of these things, or I will lock you in a tower like Rapunzel, and you may only come out when your hair is long enough for the prince to save you.

You will drink more water. I hear it's good for you, and so you're just going to do it. Or else?  The tower.  Also, regarding water:  you will wash your hands with it and also soap, and you will bathe at least twice a week and that does include washing your hair and your butts.  Don't even argue about this.  Remember that whole tower thing I mentioned?  Yeah.  That's where you'll be.  And the orks who guard the tower will make you bathe twice a day and three times on Saturday, for good measure.

And finally, not that it has anything to do with your physical health, but hear me, and hear me clearly: YOU WILL STOP RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE SCREAMING LIKE BANSHEES. This is not good for MY health, in fact, it is causing me to develop stress in me, and also high blood pressure, and also a permanent headache, and also an overwhelming desire to smack you. And smacking you? Not good for your physical health.

So let's all work together here, people, and maybe we can all live happily ever after.

Love,
Mama