Friday, January 11, 2008

the buffet

A couple of months ago, October, I think, we were in church, and HB was having a miserable time in the nursery. This was mostly due to the fact that he was asleep at 11 am every other day of the week. The Sweet Teenaged Helper came to steal me away from what often is the only adult time of the week, so that my angry and exhausted babe would stop screaming already. So what's a girl to do? I fetched my sweet, and tried to shush him, held him close, you know if you've been there all the things one does to keep the baby from disrupting everyone. HB, the boy that he is, knew what the only acceptable solution to his problem was: hit the buffet, and hit it hard. There isn't a Crying Room at our house of worship, so pretty much the options for the Keeper of the Buffet Who Wants to Hear the Sermon are the library (populated at that moment by 14 year-old boys), or the sanctuary. We attend a lovely, supportive church with lovely people, and I have been a part of the Sanctuary Buffet for three babes-worth. So I chose sanctuary, because, really, what's a girl to do?

Apparently, I ERRONEOUSLY chose the sanctuary.

The woman next to me, and I mean next to in the vaguest, other end of the pew, way possible, had a conniption. "Do you have to do THAT THERE?!?!" To which I replied, after looking to see if I had a third boob spontaneously grow from the love handle I sport on my left side, "Ummm, actually, yes. I do." This line of hissy, hissing questioning went on for a bit, and ended with Ms. Very Disapproving saying, "Well, maybe the church should look into having a place for people to do THAT."

Interestingly enough, I happen to be the Chairperson for Such A Committee. So, with Google as my Guide, I located the law whereby any woman is allowed to breastfeed any place she is allowed to be, decency be damned. (See page 12 of that document.) I printed a copy of the Civil Rights Law, thinking that the bit written up in the Penal Law and Corrections Law might just be overkill, and presented it to Ms. Disapproving the next week at church, and let her know that if the Church tried to make women breastfeed outside of the sanctuary, we could actually get ourselves involved in a Civil Rights Lawsuit that just would be plain old bad PR, and not so much treating people kindly.

She was pretty much pissed.

That was one of the last times HB actually needed to Have Some Nursings in church. He's cut a few Visits out of his busy schedule. In fact, he's 13.5 months exactly today, and Breastfeeding In Public is not something we really do any more.

He's modified his approach to the Buffet. Let's just say that before, he enjoyed his meal one item at a time. No mixing the mashed potatoes and the veggies. Now, he's more of a casserole man. Likes both items all at once, so much that he sits on my lap, facing me, belly to belly, and goes from one milky spigot to the other, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. He is all about decency being damned. I cannot keep anything covered, no matter how hard I try. There is just nothing for it.

So today, Favorite Sitter Beth came over for Grown-Up Time during nap. As it happens every day, the children do wake up. We believe the Beth really does love our children, and she proved it today by changing HB's Red Beans And Rice For Dinner Yesterday diaper when he woke up. After, she brought him down to the living room, and for some odd reason (kids always enjoy an audience), HB really had to have him some Post Nap Buffet. I tried to warn her, but she was just not prepared for the ridiculousness that ensued. Normally I would be pretty self-conscious about baring both of the gals to, well, anyone, really, especially someone who has gals that are still in Mint Condition. The noisy, grabby lovefest at the Buffet was so freaking funny that the poor girl almost fell off the couch, she was laughing so hard. And naturally, all of the laughing made HB bend over backward to see what she was laughing at, all the while grinning so ferociously that the milk was dribbling past his nose onto his forehead (he's upside-down here folks, stick with it).

The two of them were a sight to see.

And the two of them were also a sight to see.


  1. Hahahahahahahhahaa oh man it cracks me up just thinking about it...
    Not the Red Beans and Rice for Dinner diaper part though.

  2. lol..

    i've been shy at our church here.. even though they are very supportive of nursing.

    luckily we do have a cozy nursing/cry room that is hard to pass up.. still i've been known to stay put if i feel led, and have had no ill-tempered interruptions, thus far.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.