Monday, September 27, 2010

you can't take me anywhere.

The short people got a birthday party invite that involved driving to another state to ride waterslides, two things of which I am not a fan.  I whined and complained and finally put on my big girl panties bathing suit and drove them there, because while I am an admitted whiner, I am not really that much of a jerk to unallow a birthday party.

And yes, all my whining was for NAUGHT because the place was tons of fun.  I saw a lot of unnecessary butt crack, and had all sorts of people up in my space, but not even that could dampen the fun of the water park.

Do you like how I made a joke there?  About dampening fun? At a water park?  

Fine.  I know I'm a little bit lame... alright, a lotta bit lame.

HB is not tall enough to ride the big slides by himself, so I got to chase him up 200 steps to the top of all the slides whilst lugging a 20 pound floaty thing that we would then sit in and be whisked away to certain death fun TIMES ELEVENTY BILLION.  I lost 20 pounds.

Also? I partially lost the bottom half of my too-large bathing suit.  Thank GOD HB was sitting on my lap and thereby keeping the front part of the bottom half of my too-large bathing suit WHERE IT BELONGS. 

The place has a No Food You Don't Purchase Here policy, which is the sort of thing I generally disregard as being on the bastardish side of things.  The sum total of us was 11 short people and 3 tall people, and none of the kids had consumed any beverage other than hyper-chlorinated pool water for four hours, and I was doing the math for purchasing 14, $2 bottles of water and it made me feel like I'd been drinking hyper-chlorinated water for four hours.

So I went across the street to the good ol' gas station and purchased a gallon of milk and a gallon of water and a pack of 50 cups, and marched them into the water park whist wearing a friendly smile, and beveraged up those short people.  Also, I brought in two bags of chips (it was really hot and I'm sure the short people had sweated a ton and needed salt), and my picnic basket with the makings for peanut butter and jelly and half a dozen apples.

I made sandwiches and poured drinks and the short people were just about filled up when the Reservations Manager came pounding over to our table.

There's no outside food allowed, he said in his most serious voice.

Okay, I'll clean this up, I replied, in my most adorable voice.

Fine, he said, in his most serious voice.

Thanks for stopping by, I said, in my most adorable voice.

The other mamas looked at me like I was going to get kicked out.  

I told him I'd clean it up... I didn't say I'd stop feeding the kids, I said in my most naughty voice.

The other mamas looked at me like I was going to get kicked out, and also like I was a little bit crazy.

We went about our business, and slid on more slides and inevitably the short people were thirsty again, so naturally they had some more milk and water.  And naturally, Serious Voice Man came back.  Unfortunately, I wasn't there to be cute with him, so one of the other mamas took over.

Is that your stuff? Serious Voice Man asked, gesturing to a large table covered in everybody's stuff.

Some of it is, the other mama replied.

Do you think you could at least do me a favor and HIDE THE FOOD? Serious Voice Man asked.

What food? the other mama asked.  Oh, that.  Sure.  Consider it hidden.

She tossed a towel on the milk jug.  Serious Voice Man walked away, apparently satisfied because he didn't come back. 

And we all lived happily ever after.

I know that was not the actually right thing to do.  But also not the right thing to do?  Charge people an arm and a leg for completely disgusting and inappropriate food choices after spending a butt load of money to get into a place.  The short people would have been a huge tornado of disaster if they had nothing to drink but soda all day... and there wasn't a drinking fountain in the place.  


  1. Ah, water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink! Good for you, mama, I like your moxie.

  2. I know it sounds silly, but they could lose their health department certificate for allowing people to bring in outside food. If you hide it, at least they can claim not having seen it.

  3. I wish they would say that! I appreciate knowing the reason behind the rules. Helps me to have a better response.

  4. I object to the same stupidity! I know this fabled water park. And I think they should have a designated picnic area. When we went this summer we unfurled our picnic blanket on the PAVEMENT in the PARKING LOT. Because really? I am NOT paying $8.00 for a cup full of frozen sugar water and food dye with a spiffy fat straw that the kids can refill all the live-long day. And you want a sure fire recipe for having to clean up vomit? Send kids on waterslides and roller coasters after they've eaten a corndog, fry cake, and Dippin Dots washed down with a mondo-icee.

  5. Oh wait. Color me silly. Different water park for me, but you get my drift, right?

  6. Hilarious. Good for you to stick to your guns, even though it might have been "breaking the rules". That would have been a huge chunk of change to dole out for that many kids. I agree, if they don't allow outside food into the actual water park for health reasons, they should offer an area where you can picnic as a family.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.