He is the kind of baby that flips the LET'S REPRODUCE SOME MORE!!! IT'S A GREAT IDEA!!! switch. You know, supposing I had a switch like that.
He's the easiest baby I can remember having. He is a breastfeeding champ. (Ha, I just typed He is a breastfeeding chap. That too.) He's a predictable pooper. A predictable sleeper. It's lovely, really.
When it's Time For Some Nursings, things get a little scary. He opens his mouth wide, wide, wide. He looks me square in the face, and with a twinkle in his eye and the kick of his feet, little man chomps down on my nipple with his razor sharp toothless gums and I become just a teensy bit homicidal.
Maybe homicidal is a little exaggeration.
But then... Dude LAUGHS. Then? Not so much an exaggeration to say I want to push him off my lap and say bad words. Except I don't. I say, NO BITING!, and put mah boobehs away. Which isn't really helping *ME* any, because I probably could out-let-down a Jersey cow. So, Elliott bites me hard, which hurts like a really bad word, the one about the mother... Good to know you're still with me on this one. And there is JUST SO MUCH MILK that I'm ENGORGED UP TO MY ARMPITS and then, just like Randy in the greatest Christmas movie EVER?
I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN!!!! And also? MATAFINGA!!!
That glass? Five minutes.
For two days. Three sips and bite the nips. I've been hand expressing like a teenaged boy, you know, except for the part where those guys make a mess and I make food. Anyway. So naturally I consult The Great And Powerful Googles, who are not yet on SuperWhy which is something I do not understand, because hello, The Googles can skip the whole adaptation of the fairy tale and get straight to the answer.
The Googles told me that The Thing To Do is smash Elliott's little face into my knocker rocks, because he won't be able to breathe, and then when he can't breathe, he'll un-bite me. Or open his mouth. And so I smash, with love, of course, because I'm not really that mom who smashes things, especially the heads of babies. And, just like they said, he opened his mouth.
And laughed. Hard.
As for me? I can't put my arms down.