Friday, August 21, 2009

growing up is hard to do.oooh.

It's funny to me to realize that even as an adult, I'm still growing up.

Not funny-ha-ha, but more... never mind. You get this, I'm sure, and if you don't? Grow up. She says kindly.

I never really thought about growing up much after I went to college, because OBVIOUSLY I was grown up in college, and I had the hangover to prove it. Among other things--moving on. And I haven't really thought about how I've changed since getting married, or since I've become a mama... but of course I have.

I'm way more likely to look at myself with The Critical Glasses on, and to furrow up my brow at myself, shake my index finger at me, and point out the ninetyelevenBAZILLION ways I'm exactly the same as I was at age 6, 13, 15, 20... how I still say what I think without giving much consideration to the delivery, how I criticize easily (not just myself), the whole sarcasm element which has been highly refined and developed, but not lessened in any way.

I didn't realize that it would be so easy to grow apart from friends, and that is silly, really it is, because I've watched it happen more than once. Grow up = grow apart. Who knew?

And this is where I find myself, having grown apart from a person I was very good friends with...stop yourself right there, please, I'm not talking about The Mister. Thanks for worrying but it's not him....

We have been friends for a number of years, I considered her one of my two best friends. I'm not going to say much else about our relationship, because people I actually see on a day-to-day basis read this, and while I need to sort this out, y'all don't need to know who I'm talking about.

We made time to talk recently, as things have achieved such a level of discomfort. The first thing she said was that she didn't know why things were so weird between us; the second thing she said was that I'm two-faced.

It's been weeks, and I still can't reconcile those two statements. She told me that she couldn't figure out how I could describe someone as effing stupid to her, and then be nice to that person when I found myself face to face with them...him? her? I'm not being purposefully ambiguous here, to keep the identity of the allegedly effing stupid person a secret, it's just that the identity of the allegedly effing stupid person is a secret from me, too.

I will admit that calling someone effing stupid is not the right thing to do. But being nice to a person you find to be effing stupid? That is TOTALLY the right thing to do. That's part of being a proper adult, no?


I see her places, and I just can't even fake being glad to see her. I have never been called a liar before, well, except for in the sixth grade when I was on a lying tear, and totally worked all possible future lying out of my system.

There have been a couple instances where a person in my life has caused injury to my spirit, and this is one of them.

That one comment has prompted me to look back at our relationship and consider whether or not she actually ever knew me. On levels that are not really that important, I think maybe she did, but on deeper levels, I think she doesn't know me at all.

When I told her The Mister and I decided to have a fourth baby, she said, Why would you do that? You don't seem to like the ones you already have.

Hello, I'm Pamela.

I love my babies.

I don't lie.

The end.


  1. Some people tend to think that longevity = friendship.
    Doesn't always happen that way.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. This is an incredibly grown up post. It's unfortunate that we have to deal with these things, and I'm sorry your spirit was hurt :(

    I really feel your pain. I think the friendships growing apart is one of the toughest things I've faced as an adult.

  4. Ok, I've had times where I've said some friends were effing nuts but it didn't mean I thought less of them, if that makes sense???

    You SO LOVE YOUR BABIES!! I saw this first hand. And dude, I love your sarcasm you use with them. So freaking awesome. More parents should be like you and The Mister.

    But on friends, I've had to deal with the whole growing apart thing with some friends. Most of it's just because I chose to move away from where they all live so we maintain the best we can. The distance certainly made it easier to see who I wanted to keep in touch with and those whom maybe I didn't want to go out of my way for. The comments your friend made are hurtful. It's not easy to let people go, and maybe she'll stay in your life in some way even after everything, but I don't think you could be faulted for letting this go and moving on.

  5. Wow, that was a harsh comment she made! Yikes.

    And I totally agree that you can feel like someone is an effing idiot and still be nice to them. I mean, that's just commom courtesy. What are you supposed to do, tell that person directly how you feel? Sheesh.

  6. Ah. The growing-up and growing-apart. Here's the thing about growing up- you change. If the other person stays the same- you grow apart. If the other person grows up too, but in a different direction- you grow apart. If the other person grows in the same direction- you stay friends, probably. And, I can't find it anywhere, but there is saying about how some friends come and go and some stay forever, but it's all about the purpose you play in each other's lives. So.
    Also, maybe she was trying to be witty with the "don't like the ones you have" statement.
    Otherwise, that's a pretty toxic thing to say.
    Cuz you obviously really LOVE those babies.
    Oh, and the whole growing apart thing is something that has been a major topic of discussion between me and Joe, because we are noticing that we are spending a lot more time with some newer friends and consequently less time with some older friends.
    We're growing apart from those older friends at the moment, but, perhaps we'll eventually grow back together. You know- like a gnarly old apple tree. Branches seem to be taking completely different directions at one point, and then, wow! They are all overlapping at another point.


  7. Yes, I deleted my previous comment. I was very mad on your behalf on my first read of your post. I stand by my "only assholes are assholes to people they don't like" comment though.

    I have a friend from high school that has been somebody that I have wanted to hold on to in my life. But, lately I feel like her life is toxic. She is in a not-so-happy marriage that has been sucking the life out of her and she refuses to leave. Not to mention the impact this relationship has on their almost 5 year old. I think that a young girl who grows up in a situation where her mother is not happy and is at times verbally abused sets her up for a lifetime of hurt. Anyhoo, I have decided to distance myself from this unhappiness because I have wasted way to many tears on her behalf. She is welcome to come to me for help if she decides to actually do something about her life, but until then I can't deal any longer.

    Your friend actually sounds very jealous to me. You obviously have you shit together and are a fabulous mother. I am a little jealous actually.

    I love your babies because of the love you protray on this blog for those cuties.

    Okay. Revision complete. The End. (Thanks for stopping by :).

  8. If friends make you feel weird, they're not friends, despite history. Bossy says, "Kick to the curb!"

  9. Plenty of my friends have ignored my weaknesses, but my best friends have called me on them to my face. Maybe it takes a true friend to speak truth, even if its not what we want to hear. A fair-weather friend would just walk away, not confront.

  10. I built my business around playing nice with people I think are idiots. At some point the stress of dealing with them has to be let off and then you get a short burst of, "Man, is that guy an idiot!" and then we're back to business

  11. 1. what does liking one's KIDS have to do with having another BABY - they're completely different :)

    2. of course you were polite to the stupid people, it is what grown-ups do

    3. anon might have a point, maybe your friend has something constructive to say but didn't say it right? or maybe she's looking for an out

    4. I don't know why I numbered my thoughts, maybe to see how many I can have?

  12. I know what you mean about basically being nice to people you might not like at all. I am a liberal living in a small God-and-Homo-fearing small Texas town and so believe me, I do this all the time. The alternative would be to spew profanity at people and therefore make my trips to the local grocery store rather uncomfortable. But seriously, there are people that drive me nuts (some of them are friends) but I just don't say so to their faces because I quite simply don't wanna hurt their feelings or make them cry or hit me. But I will share my frustrations about certain people with certain friends and I guess that makes me two-faced also. I am gratefully assuming that other people are two-faced where I am concerned and I am extremely grateful to them for it. I really would rather hear "Hi, Carol. Don't you look lovely today? Are you still homeschooling your awesome kids?" over "Hi You Crazy Liberal Bitch - you look like you've gained 30 pounds and it must be that whacko organic diet all you elite socialists eat....just like your long-haired uncivilized and unsocialized kids..." See what I mean? Thank God for the Multiple Social Faces! As far friendships - one of my other blogger friends recently posted about Seasonal Friends - about understanding that some friends just don't seem to be forever friends. I have 2 friends from FOREVER (we're talking itty bitty kids) that I no longer have anything in common with...yet I cling to these relationships due to their longevity - I have only recently begun to see our friendships has having formed under the circumstances of childhood....and that maybe even very old friends are still seasonal...and are allowed to drift away when seasons change.

  13. Ooooooffffff. This makes my stomach hurt.

  14. Getting caught up around here and WOW. What a horrible thing to say, all of it really. I'm speechless...for once.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.