Sunday, September 6, 2009

open letter to the allergens in my head

Dear Allergens:

You are cordially invited to leave. I am quite sure you were not cordially invited to attend the colossal party in my ears, eyes, nose, throat, lungs and sinus cavity. In fact, my head was not a throbbing discotheque before you got here. Things had been mostly calm in the region around my brain since the advent of The Crazy Meds, and I was able to do things. For example, I could make dinner, talk to my short people, drink coffee, change diapers, bend over. I was Teh Usefuls.

Now I am reduced to a sniffling, slobbery, mouth-breathing slug. I cannot bend over for fear that my head will explode and all the snot will fall with a SPLAT to the floor. And how, pray tell, would I clean that up? Hmmm????

Thank God I have a Neti-Pot. It does help rinse you all away. Except, darling allergens, it took TWO ENTIRE POTS-WORTH to be able to get the saline solution through my sinuses. TWO! And the solution didn't even run out of the lower dripped. I'm seriously considering adding some sort of pressure-washing apparatus to the Neti-Pot. Sure, I might give myself a frontal lobotomy, but maybe then I wouldn't care that I couldn't breathe. I'd be a peaceful, happy, non-sniffling, non-slobbery, drouling, mouth-breathing slug.

Some might be thrilled by that.

Seriously, allergens, the first hard frost is a long, long way off. You'd be doing me, and a whole bunch of other people (have you seen my short people? they're terribly cute, and they need me to wipe their asses and feed them and stuff) a huge favor by staying out of my nose, my house, and out of my yard.

If you're looking for a place to go, I have a few suggestions. Let me know if I can help you find another residence, I will assist you in any way possible.

But please. Go. Go now. For the love of Puff's.



  1. I'm so grateful this is one ailment that I do not have to deal with.

    I'm sorry.

    Neti-Pot. Ew.

  2. Ah, the Neti-pot, savior to millions of allergy sufferers. I add to that a Zyrtec-D and two shots in the butt every couple of weeks and I only get sinus infections once or twice a year now.

    Let me know if your invitation to leave works....

  3. Oh boy do I feel your pain. Allergies suck the life out of us, don't they? Damn stupid pollen and stuff.

    Hope you feel better really soon!

  4. good luck darling ... that neti pot is a savior ... but inviting the allergies to leave is also a good option!

  5. I think an appropriate quote is:

    "Out, out damned snot".


  6. When my dad had sinus surgery, they had him use a Water Pik up his nose! Now that's some pressure washing! (Do they still make Water Piks?)

  7. Hate those allergies, almost like the having the swine flu, well maybe not quite... love your blog, just took the time to read some of your whimsical writings.
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  8. Well, I feel a little thankful now that my allergies could be worse. Your post made me chuckle though I do truly feel sorry for you as I can relate a little. Did you have allergies before kids? I never did but have them now after three. Blah.

  9. Have you tried local honey? I drink it in hot water with a little organic vinegar in the mornings. First cup tastes yucky but then it grows on you. I haven't sneezed in ages!


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.