Wednesday, April 14, 2010

really. really? really. come on, now.

So the other day I was driving my supercool minicoopervan back home to my little village, and I was talking on the phone to Linda the Lactation Consultant.

And yes, I understand that there is some sort of wrist-slapping that goes on if you get caught talking on the phone, while driving, here in the Great State of New York. But apparently it's only a very vague understanding.

And yes, that is what we smartypantses call FORESHADOWING.

As I approached the underpass which marks the beginning of the village, I noticed a State Trooper waiting at the stop sign. So naturally, I pulled the phone away from my ear, and all quick-like pressed the speakerphone button.

And yes, I realize that's kind of like lying. Don't judge.

The trooper got all giddy and pulled me over, lights and everything, so naturally I said to Linda the Lactation Consultant, "Oh shit, I just got pulled over." And then I hung up.

Mr. Trooper walked up to my window and was all, "It's illegal to text message while driving." And to further illustrate the point, he put his hands together and showed me his crazy texting thumbs, which would have been funnier if I hadn't just been pulled over.

I was all, "Yes, I'm aware that it's illegal to text message while driving. But I wasn't text messaging, I was talking to Linda the Lactation Consultant."

That little tidbit slowed him down for only a second, and then he scrubbed his brain all clean.

To convince me to tell him I was texting whilst driving, he put his hands together and did the crazy texting thumbs again. "Do you know what I think when I see this?" I was guessing he thought I was doing crazy texting thumbs whilst driving, and so naturally I said, "Apparently you think I was texting whilst driving. But? (insert pregnant pause here) I wasn't."

He asked if I had heard about that one kid in that one place that did not have the mad texting skillz and was killed due to texting while driving. And yes, I'd have enjoyed our little conversation much more if he had used the word WHILST. Because I'm *that* girl, that's why. I answered that no, I had not heard about that one kid, and oh my how tragic, because it really is, and that also? I WASN'T TEXTING.

I offered him my phone. "Here. Look at the time of my last sent message. I wasn't sending text messages. I was talking on speakerphone to the Lactation Consultant at the hospital, and holding the phone in my hand so I could hear." Which is exactly what I was doing when he saw me.

It was the one time in my life that I actually wished I watched Oprah, so I could say, "HEY, MAN, I SIGNED OPRAH'S PLEDGE. AND NOBODY DOUBLECROSSES OPRAH." Because I'm sure that would have proved my point right then and there.

Back and forth, and back and forth, and possibly I was becoming slightly a teensy bit belligerent and confrontational, because hello, have you met me?

But oh, no, he didn't want to look at my phone and get all in my business. He and his crazy texting thumbs wanted me to 'fess up to texting. "Really, look at my sent messages. I wasn't sending text messages." Again he declined. And again, and again.

The second-to-last thing I said to him was this: "I wasn't texting. But if you're going to ticket me, fine. Because the next thing I will do is get a detailed copy of my phone bill and head straight to my attorney's office."

The last thing I said was, "You have a nice day, too."


  1. HAAAA HAAA!!! I LOVE that last line. That is brilliant.

    Major kickass.

  2. HA! Way to stand up to The Man! I'm a little surprised your "lactation consultant" comment only made him pause briefly. Glad you didn't get a ticket and you were being so safe not using you crazy texting thumbs!

  3. You just can't invent a story like this. Classic! Now, I hope you've learned your lesson. Don't text and drive anymore!

  4. i forgot to give props to jenni oscarelli for the foreshadowing line. because i totally stole that from her.

  5. I love it. And that was smart. I'd have been all, "uh uh uh..." and then the tears would have come. GAH. I hate being a woman sometimes.

  6. I so wish I could think that quickly! Great job.

  7. Those freakin' cops. They think they know everything... well, at least in my house they do...

  8. That's happened to me too but with drinking.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.