Wednesday, June 30, 2010

it is exasperating.

We have this dvd player/iPod dock/surround sound MACHINE THINGY on top of our television.  It is a colossal waste of atoms.  Someone purchased it refurbished from a snake oil salesman SleezeBay and you have to push more than one button to make the effing thing work.

Me? NOT INTERESTED IN PUSHING MORE THAN ONE EFFING BUTTON.  Turn on? One push. One click.  And then it should work.

Not this thing.  And, if you should happen to desire some televisional entertainment other than PBS?  The machine thingy must be employed.  PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH.  Thing requires more effort than I put into birthing all four of my babies.  

Also? THE DISPLAY SCREEN DOES NOT WORK.  Think you are watching a movie? THINK AGAIN, SUCKA. You're really listening to NPR.  Har-dee-har-har.  Want to sip a glass of wine and listen to Joshua Bell, Yo-Yo Ma and Edgar Meyer?  Sucks to be you, lady.  Does your kid want to watch Rescue Heroes REALLYREALLYREALLY BADLY EVERY DANG DAY AT 4 PM?!?!?   EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE ONLY SIX EPISODES EVER MADE AND HE'S SEEN EACH AND EVERY EPISODE AT LEAST NINETYELEVEN TIMES???

That's right.  Your life will be SuckitySuckSuckSucksville until he develops the patience to wait the fourteen and a half seconds it takes for the machine to switch gears and move to the next Input Thingy Source Path.  And when the fourteen point five seconds passes and NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!! Then he will have to press the button AGAIN and WAIT ANOTHER BLOODY 14.5 SECONDS.  And in the meantime, his head will explode from the colossal temper tantrum he is throwing because the stupid machine does not work, and yes, I do allow the short people to refer to this as the Stupid Machine because it is, in fact, a Stupid Machine With A Display Screen That Does Not Display.  

And after twenty-nine seconds has passed, and the soundtrack from Barbie and The Mouseketeers starts blasting through the surround sound speakers, and his head RE-EXPLODES because, oh my good LORD!!!! RESCUE HEROES NOT BARBIE!!!!! 

I am THISCLOSE to throwing that thing through the window.  


  1. Gah, that made my head hurt just imagining it! I swear, anything that requires more than one button is just not worth having. We could talk sometime about my son and husband with their multitude of viewing streams (HD, HDI, DVR, DMsomething or another) but I think I'll just have a glass of wine instead.

  2. and to think ... i was going to put a cd in the mail for you tomorrow. will you kill me?

  3. Perhaps it could conveniently "fall off" and break. I mean, its defective, right? Could be off balance, too...

  4. May I suggest that you float test the machine? Take it to the nearest river/lake/ocean and chuck it in. If it floats it passed the test. Fish it out of the water and keep it. If it sinks...oh, well.

  5. A month ago I offered to make it so the TV sound just comes out of the TV. You turned me down, remember? Remind me some time when work hasn't eaten my brain and I'll fix it up.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.