Monday, January 24, 2011

the precise science of forgetting to eat

Here's how it happens, and I'm only going to tell you this one time.  I will use the elusive cup of hot coffee as my example.

Get out of bed.  Get other people out of bed.  Wipe bottoms.  Use the bathroom, wipe own bottom.  Wash hands brush teeth possibly wash face.  Get dressed.  Get other people dressed.  Shag crabby non-morning-person-offspring out of bed.  Go downstairs.  Put water on for coffee.

I have a French Press.  You must heat the water with an actual water-heating device in order for there to be coffee.  Moving on.

Empty French Press.  Make oatmeal for the short people.  Milk oatmeal butter raisins brown sugar wait no raisins for me! I want raisins. I didn't want raisins I HATE RAISINS YOU FORGOT BUTTER.  Beatings.

Grind coffee put grounds in French Press. Kettle screams.

 Baby drops spoon.  Bigger short people drop spoons to encourage teh stupids. Oprah moment: NEW SPOONS FOR EVERYBODY!!!!! Put dirty spoons on counter. 

Pour hot water on coffee grounds.  Empty dishwasher so short people can put dirty dishes in dishwasher. Remove baby from dishwasher.  Help short people clean up breakfast. Walk 4 year old to preschool. Start school with 5 & 7 year old. Remove baby from kitchen counter.  

Pour cup of cold coffee.  Put coffee in microwave.  Remove baby from dryer.  Continue with schooling oldest two children.  Fetch 4 year old from preschool.  Continue schooling oldest 2 children.  Remove baby from kitchen table.

Remember pouring cup of coffee, walk around the house searching for mug. Remove baby from microwave.  Thank baby for finding coffee.  Close microwave door, actually heat up cup of coffee.

Make ninety-eleven peanut butter sandwiches but not with the homemade peanut butter for the girlchild because EEEEWWWWW!!!! NO SHORTENING IN THE KIND MAMA MAKES!!!!!  And also apple boats but not for Wee Man because dude inhales those things whole.  Re-start microwave.

Help short people clean up lunch dishes. Remove baby from counter.  Change baby's diaper.  Pre-nap nursing.  Put baby in bed.  Notice overflowing baskets of laundry.  Grab one, take it downstairs.  Start a load of laundry.  Quiet time for big boys.  Finish schooling slower-than-molasses girlchild.  

Notice lights blinking on microwave, indicating that the coffee has, in fact, been reheated.  And is, once again, cold.  Re-reheat coffee.  Stand next to microwave despite all medical evidence.  Watch the clock tick backwards.  Immediately retrieve horrible, over-re-heated coffee.  Add half and half, some brown sugar. 

Take a big gulp.  Burn tongue.  Set coffee on kitchen table.  Move laundry to dryer.  Start another load of laundry.  Reading time.  Cuddle on couch to read to the short people.  Play a game.  Pass out.

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  1. That happens here with food but nobody better talk , look at, whine, moan or otherwise engage Momma until she has had at least one cup of coffee!!

  2. Oh, I so remember those days. Except somehow I never forgot to eat. You know what? I miss those days of crazy. I miss them so much. My youngest is 14. It went far too fast for me.

    I've been going back and reading your older posts, before I found you. I need to tell you that I adore you.

  3. it's like you have a video camera installed in my house...only the french press is solely used for power outages (read: hurricanes when the coffee is really necessary) and we have no microwave. but everything else, yep, know it. live it. and the keurig makes my cuppa pretty quick like which means i'm willing to have it's love child.

  4. Funny! And true! I'm sharing some thought for living small:

  5. I'm sipping a 4x reheated cup as we speak... soon to be 5.

  6. And imagine, I don't have a microwave!

  7. Yes, this is what I was afraid of. It's the same reason I've been forgetting to eat. I've taken to eating a hard boiled egg for breakfast. I'm not particularly fond of hard boiled eggs, but I like the way they sit in the fridge waiting for me for days and I don't have to cook them except that one time in the beginning and then I don't get so dizzy,lightheaded and needing of simple sugar carbohydrates in large, large amounts. I have a hard time imagining how you manage four. I grew up with six, but two is hard enough for now!


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.