lesson of the week: how to prepare for an eye exam

Because I'm a responsible adult, and have grown to love all the responsibility on my plate, I allowed the optometrist's office schedule me an eye exam. And because j'aime l'optométriste, I tried to cancel my appointment. But because l'optométriste m'aime, they made me come in anyway. Jerks.

It's the little air pouf in the eye that ruins it for me.

So I went in, and sat down in the Big Chair, and a tiny little man that looks just like Jerry Seinfeld's dad on the tv show came in to see me. He made the magic letters appear on the wall, and asked if I could read them. Not so much.

He waved a little blue envelope in front of my right eye. How's that? he asked.

Umm, can't read the letters.

Mmm. Hmmm... How's that? Now he was holding the envelope in front of my left eye.

Well, I can see that there are letters, but I can't tell you what they are.

Mmmm....Hmmmm.....You have an astigmatism. Let's go into the other room.

At this point, I was ready to leave. Because seriously, how in the bloody EFF can he tell I have an astigmatism from WAVING A TINY BLUE ENVELOPE IN FRONT OF MY EYES? And really, you used to be an actor on a show about Nothing. How? Are you even a doctor?

The deal continued. ORdeal, that is. He kept trying to figure out (using Dayton Time approved vision measuring apparatus-es, apparati, moving on) what was the magic number to make my left eye read the magic letters on the wall.

And it was impossible.

And this is why:

1. When preparing for a vision exam, do not study by consuming great quantities of Fine Irish Brew less than 8 hours before said exam. Cramming does not help in this situation.
2. Also: No Benadryl. Apparantly Benadryl soothes the savage Hay Allergy, but makes some muscles in your body act all wonky-like. The eyes would be in the Made Wonky-Like By Benadryl Category.
3. No Benadryl + Alcohol cocktails.

My Visual Arts and Skills Report Card for the day: F _ _ _ E D

The E and D are just for extra emphasis on how bad it was.

So the Dayton Time lesson of the week is this: No depressants or antihistamines when preparing to take an eye exam.

Class dismissed.