Thursday, July 24, 2008

listen to the funny lady

Someone actually said this, about me, in my presence, to a child today. Out loud and everything. No sotto voce for him. Then he lied and said I was on Saturday Night Live. As if. They can't afford me. But I would totally boost ratings.

And the children listened. And obeyed. And The Funny Lady regaled them with stories of Knocking Down Walls With Sledgehammers, and Not Being Allowed To Actually Ever Touch An Actual Hammer, and How To Get Grownups To Give Money, and How You Should Never, Ever Turn Down Free Doughnuts. You know, Life Lessons.

I had forgotten how much children between the ages of five and ten LOVE the word toilet. LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE toilet. I can't even think of a way to describe how much joy and pleasure is brought to that demographic by saying the simple word toilet.

But first, I must back up and explain how I came to be discussing toilets with children to whom I did not birth myveryownself, in a church, at Vacation Bible School. It's all very natural, I swear. They invited me. I was the guest speaker. So, obviously I talked about toilets. Because what else do you talk about with other people's children, in church, at Vacation Bible School? Exactly. TOILETS!!!!

All of the VBS's I know about have a time during the experience devoted to missions. This community wisely chose Habitat for Humanity of Genesee County. Clever folks. My directions were this:

The focus of the talk is to be a brief overview of Habitat in Genesee County with some personal reflection on why volunteering with Habitat is so important to the speaker. The faith aspect of the organization is certainly appropriate to discuss. The goal of the week is to give the kids a sense of the breadth of volunteer opportunities as well as the personal satisfaction and strengthening of faith that comes from volunteering.

How we got to toilets: I was explaining how we rehab houses. We smash it all out and throw it in a dumpster, and then we put it all in brand new. Well, I didn't have them hooked. The boys were all sledgehammers, whatever, and the girls were all, eeeewwww, dirty, and I knew I had to reel 'em in real fast, or they'd swim away and I'd never get to eat them...oh wait, wrong story. Anyway. So I said, But we put the old nasty toilets back in the houses.

That got them.

After they were done being grossed out by themselves for peeing their drawers due to excessive laughter by my obviously false statement, they were like dancing monkeys in the palm of my hand. Except for that I would never, ever have any sort of nasty monkey in my hand. Especially dancing.
So I used TOILETS to keep their attention for the rest of the time, and talked about volunteering with a cheerful attitude and a happy heart in terms of TOILETS. They had a blast, and appreciated my natural flair for TOILET humour. And using TOILETS to educate the masses.

And, I will let it be known that the adult chaperones were? LAUGHING TOO.




  1. dontcha KNOW? toilets rock! (i should know. i did contract work for a slovenian plumber selling $1200 toilets!)

    i kept some 10 year old VBS kids in line by threatening to get a diaper out of my car and making anyone who misbehaved wear it the rest of the night... on their head! :evil grin:

    your story is better tho.

  2. Funny . . . my hubby giggles over the "toilet" stuff, too. But, then again, I guess hubbies are really just little boys masquerading as grownups :)

  3. Our toilet is backing up right now..(not so funny) But I love this. And I agree w/ other Beth about the toilet/husband/big child thing.

  4. You crack me up.

  5. When all else fails... switch to potty humor.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.