Saturday, July 12, 2008

some things to think about, part deux

  1. Once upon a time, The Mister, Uncle Benna and I were standing in our driveway having a normal conversation. We were seriously disrupting the natural order of things, apparantly, and we were on the very last nerve of a squirrel up in the maple tree that shades said driveway. The squirrel threw a corn cob out of the tree and hit Uncle Benna squarely in the head.

  2. I have an abnormal hatred of blue jays. I really, truly hate those birds. Every day during what should have been Blue Jay Season when I was growing up, an effing blue jay would sit in the tree outside my bedroom window and scream until my head exploded. Every. Stinking. Day. I was recently reminded of my undelightful feelings, as that verysame blue jay has discovered where I live. And it sits. On. The. Garage. Roof. Flipping me off. Every day. And screaming. And I hate that damn bird. Even more than this bird.

  3. The annual Town Carnival would have been this weekend, except it seems that the fire department has taken to shunning the carnies. Why the discrimination? A gang of carnies nearly slit the throat of our good friend, Brother Snipes, a few years ago, and WE don't hate the carnies. Brother Snipes and his Cousin Benny (not to be confused with Uncle Benna) thought it would be fun to get the carnies all riled up. So Brother Snipes bodyslammed one of their trailers, a little thing the size of a pop-up camper. As it happened, there were 654311687135796873 carnies sleeping in the trailer, and they were a) slightly rankled at the wake-up call, and b) drunk. So, naturally, they wanted to kill Brother Snipes and Cousin Benny have a strained but pleasant conversation detailing the proper etiquette for waking refined gentlemen such as themselves. Insults, punches, knives, blah, blah, blah. All I'm saying is that we don't hate the carnies. (Oh, and Mama of Brother Snipes, I reallyreallyreally hope this isn't the first time you heard that story.)

  4. The Town Carnival people cancelled the carnival, but kept the beer tent and the bad entertainment, and The Tractor Pull. Because that's where the money is. Tractor. Pull. It's a bunch of tractors pulling a bunch of heavy stuff to see whose tractor can pull the farthest. Furthest. Whatever. Let's pause a moment and guess which set of chromosomes thought that up...Right. XY.

  5. The local Lions Club or some public-service oriented organization puts up flags for all the Flag Holidays. I like to fancy myself an intelligent, well-educated, well-read, classy lady, but I found myself scratching my head today, when I noticed that the flags were up. So of course I googled it. And as it turns out, today is Different Colored Eyes Day. It is also the day that the United States invaded Canada at Windsor, Ontario, during the War of 1812. Umm, yeah, in 1812. I thought maybe, just maybe, we were rubbing Canada's nose in it, you know, all Your dollar might be worth the same as ours, but we totally invaded you 196 years ago and didn't kick your crown-loving asses all over North America. But on second thought, maybe not. I salute you, people with two differently colored eyes! And so does my town.

  6. And finally, have you met my new boyfriend? Mister Yuengling Porter? If you haven't, do not fear or dismay. There will be an interview with him tomorrow. I would say Hands off, sister, but we are totally cool like that.


  1. I swear squirrels just have it out for me. Similar event happened during my brief enrollment at SUNY Brockport, except I think this was a walnut, or maybe a shoe, or it could have been a used prophylactic, no wait never mind that was Brockport, people there didn't use them (dirty college boys and girls ewwww)

  2. there's a skidmore facebook group called "squirrels freak me out...all over campus". the saratoga squirrels are crazy. one jumped out of a dumpster and bit a girls face, no joke.

  3. I bet there are some I haven't heard but this one I've heard before. Brother Snipes loves to retell the olden days, back when life was good.
    Brother Snipes Mama

  4. @ Brother Snipes Mama: quit being anonymous and start being Brother Snipes Mama. Because that has a good ring to it. Very Biker Chick. And Chic.

    @ the beth: I always knew those private school kids had major wildlife issues.

    @ bentownsend: I have not even BEGUN to tell nature stories about you. (cue psycho laughter)


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