I may have mentioned that my body up and went all pregnant on me.
No, really. I wasn't really feeling all that pregnant. Sure, the expanding belly and the neverending kickboxing tournament (or is it a 24/7 disco in there?) were clues, but pregnant hit me last Friday. It actually kicked me in the pelvis a few times, then spun me around and kicked my lower back for a while, and then it jabbed a sharp something-or-other in my keister and gave me....
(cringes)
a hemorrhoid.
(still cringing)
actually?
a family of hemorrhoids. and they are very angry and hard to get along with.
I tried everything. No, really, everything. The ointments. The creams. The wipes. The sitting in the extremely hot water.
So what's a girl to do when she can't actually even stand up straight because of the H Family? Ask The Googles How To Exterminate Them. That is what a girl should do. Because The Googles Know.
The Googles told me about an aromatherapy option. It is very easy, and smells loverly. In a hot, shallow bath, put 20 drops each of essential oil of lavender and juniper berry. Then insert sad, sad keister, and have a good soak.
And let me tell you, people, it was fabulous.
Now, understand me, I'm not really the sort of person to discuss this sort of thing in public, but I know that there are a few pregnant people reading me, and there are a few people with husbands who have Such Visitors...not that any of you would actually ever get Such Visitors or Talk About Them.
And if this hadn't been such a VERY GOOD OPTION? I wouldn't have told you about it.
Love, kisses, and happy asses,
Pamela
No, really. I wasn't really feeling all that pregnant. Sure, the expanding belly and the neverending kickboxing tournament (or is it a 24/7 disco in there?) were clues, but pregnant hit me last Friday. It actually kicked me in the pelvis a few times, then spun me around and kicked my lower back for a while, and then it jabbed a sharp something-or-other in my keister and gave me....
(cringes)
a hemorrhoid.
(still cringing)
actually?
a family of hemorrhoids. and they are very angry and hard to get along with.
I tried everything. No, really, everything. The ointments. The creams. The wipes. The sitting in the extremely hot water.
So what's a girl to do when she can't actually even stand up straight because of the H Family? Ask The Googles How To Exterminate Them. That is what a girl should do. Because The Googles Know.
The Googles told me about an aromatherapy option. It is very easy, and smells loverly. In a hot, shallow bath, put 20 drops each of essential oil of lavender and juniper berry. Then insert sad, sad keister, and have a good soak.
And let me tell you, people, it was fabulous.
Now, understand me, I'm not really the sort of person to discuss this sort of thing in public, but I know that there are a few pregnant people reading me, and there are a few people with husbands who have Such Visitors...not that any of you would actually ever get Such Visitors or Talk About Them.
And if this hadn't been such a VERY GOOD OPTION? I wouldn't have told you about it.
Love, kisses, and happy asses,
Pamela
Hello
ReplyDeletehappy asses make happy people. :) glad you're feeling better.
ReplyDeletePamela, you are surely good people. To care enough to help all the unhappy asses out there. I love ya.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad you're, um, feeling better, ah, down there in that area.
XOXO
Joce
Hey, I'm always a happy ass!
ReplyDelete...
That didn't come out the way I wanted it to.(sigh)
Thank you for the PSA! Do you think that would work on a sore, swollen head?
Girl, where were you about 8 years ago after my first pregnancy? I could have used this information then!!
ReplyDeleteSteph
Sister, I've been there...and even without a pregnancy. How sad is that? Please don't tell anyone.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can't seem to comment on your pickles give away! I hope you include me! Let's not have this be another nuts incident where I'm a loser. And with the 'roids I'm bound to be a sore loser.
can't say I feel for ya, I have no clue what they are like.
ReplyDeleteBut sure am glad you found a fix to the problem.
I wish Google had been around when I was pregnant.
ReplyDeleteJust sayin.
You - are awesome! So FUNNY, even when you are serious. ...and "good to know" details - thanks!
ReplyDelete