Tuesday, January 6, 2009

hopefully this is the most ridiculous thing to happen all week. if not, i'm in trouble.

Miss O was supposed to go back to school today, after having very nearly two weeks off, plus two snow days, a weekend, and another random half day of school...all off for Christmas and New Year's.






That means pink eye, for all you lucky mooks who have never had pink eye, or have never had three children all crabby with pink eye.

Damned pink eye.

Also? Colds.

The oozing and the goozing and the crust in our house right now is at an all time high. High level. It's actually a low. Very, very low.

We went to the doctor today. He looked in HB's eyes. Ummm, yeah. Gross. That is his actual, technical, doctor's professional opinion. He looked in Wee Man's eyes. Also gross. He looked in Miss O's eyes. Yeah, also also gross. He's a funny one, that guy. He looked in my eyes. Yep, you're gross, too. I had him check out my ears for fun, because they are totally feeling like they are trying to secede from my head. And, lucky me, my eardrums are bulging out. Who knew that one's ear drums could bulge so, without exploding, or actually being infected? Not me, that's who!

The Mister was at work, but I wrangled him a prescription for eye drops because I'm smart and if we are 4-for-5 with the pink eye, statistically we will go 5-for-5. Because we rock, that's why.

The next stop was the grocery store, to pick up some juice and some salty snacks. I really am a slob for salty snacks, and when I have a cold, there is nothing, besides orange juice, that I want more than fifteen bags a handful of chips bathed in french onion dip. The nice lady at the bakery/deli counter offered the children a cookie (one each, she was being nice), and after the kids touched every last cookie in the container before making their respective selections, I told her they were dangerously infected with THE PINK EYES and she should really throw the box away, wash thoroughly, and bake some more. And then, as she rolled her disgusted eyes at me and turned to go follow directions, I asked her to please come back, because if she was going to pitch the cookies, I would be happy to eat one. You know, waste not, want not. She didn't waste a cookie, and I didn't want one after that. That's what we call a win-win.

And really? Please don't talk to me about taking three sick children and my sick self to the grocery store. People who live in glass houses and all.

At the pharmacy, Wee Man and HB turned into dervishes and ran all over the store, until I stealthily grabbed them by their jackets and shot-put-ed them into a cart. The nice old man at the pharmacy saw them crying and offered them a lollypop. Didn't pony one up for the nice girl standing quietly by the cart, though. I told the nice man he should keep his suckers for boys who are behaving nicely. But then I grabbed one for the nice girl standing quietly by the cart. The nice old man thought the boys were crying before that happened. They showed him! He was so clearly moved by their heartwrenching performance that he bagged up some sort of stuffed creatures, put them by my purchase and said, conspiratorially, These are for your discretion. Because it was him and me against the kids, apparently. He could have given me some ear plugs or oxycontin or something. I'd have used those at my discretion.

But then? The pharmacist told me that the pink eye ointment prescribed by the doc for each of the three children, because you MUST have one prescription per person because God forbid they share the pink eyes with each other (hear that smack? it's my hand on my forehead. that other smack? for the prescription drug companies' and the government's affairs with each other) and each copay? FORTY DOLLARS. For goo. Hell, my kids' eyes were already gooey. I don't need to pay $120 for eye goo. I would totally bottle or tube that crap up and sell it to them for $120. Probably even for $100, because I'm flexible like that.

Five and a half hours later, we had four of the five prescriptions filled. Because it took that long for the doctor's office and the pharmacy to decide what to do about the whole over-copay situation. And even after they had decided, the pharmacy didn't have the courtesy to call me to inform me they did not have enough medicine to fight all of the pink eyes in our house.

God help them in a time of true pink eyes epidemic. Three counties would be overrun with eye goo.

There is more, much more to the story of this day, but I'm going to get drunk make some nice lemony tea with gobs of eye goo honey and go to bed.


  1. Ugh. That's my least favorite thing. You can't go to school, but you aren't sick. It just sucks. Hang in there.

  2. oh my word! i've never had the pink eye and now i dread it! ahhhh! i hope ya'll are feeling much better very soon!

  3. Jeez, what a suckfest. I guess its good that nothing else was oozing. As my G-maw would say, "there ain't nothin' so bad, it can't be made worse!;)

    Shot putting the kids? Man, you're a regular action hero! I'll have to try that sometime.

    Good luck, we'll be down here, avoiding goo...

  4. Even in your time of hell, you are hilarious and I'm so sorry you're all going through this. Not fun at all.

  5. dude, we know all about the pink eye, Cam had it between Thanksgiving and Christmas. the Viral kind that you can't do anything about. LOVELY!!! I so do feel for you, and it completely sucks that all your chillins and YOU feel like SHIT! We'll say some prayers for you. Keep your composure! (i know you will)

  6. I had the eye of pink this summer. Just me, not the kids. Weird. How did I get it? But I know what you mean about taking sickies to the grocery store ... what about all those that don't know they're sick. So, I'm with you (she says since she took strep infected Audrey to the store and 10 days later strep infected Elliot).

  7. Pamela rocks
    she wears cool socks
    She is a trooper
    when her kids are poopers
    And when she is down
    she does not wear a frown
    She just drinks coffee with clara cream
    And blogs about it instead of screams.
    And so I love her.
    The end.

  8. Damn, every time I hear conjunctivitis I keep thinking it's a School House Rock singing disease.

    "Conjuntivitis, what's your function?

    Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses..."

    For those of you not old enough to appreciate, I give you the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkO87mkgcNo

    Here's hoping the whole mess fades away like the end of a song.

  9. Can you catch pink eye off the interwebs?

  10. We get the pinkeye once a year, I feel for ya. Hang in there!

  11. Gosh darn those co-pays are ridiculous, are they not?! ROBBERY!

    Hope you all feel better soon.


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