Thursday, January 15, 2009


She is dying. Everyone knows it; those who disagree are simply in denial.

It's a tragedy, really, her story is. And it comes with the requisite events that are everpresent in so many of today's tragedies: crazy, mixed up parental situation during the teen years; abuse; eating disorder; assault resulting in parenthood; a bad marriage and subsequent divorce; another bad marriage, full of more abuse... it's all there.

Two years ago she said she wanted help. She said she wanted to be healthy, to live, to parent her daughter. And not just parent her, but to be the hero in that little girl's life, to model health and self-worth and confidence, all traits she herself possessed once upon a time.

We coached, we encouraged, we took her to the emergency room of a hospital that could provide the care and nutrition she needed so desperately. Her husband had nothing to do with the efforts to save her life; he never has, and he never will. He told her we were terrible women to be taking care of her, it's his job to care for his wife she doesn't love God enough for God to make her better it's her own fault she's the way she is what do those bitches know anyway...

There must have been enough hope in what we were saying, enough love, enough something, that she came with us. And eventually she went to the rehab program and eventually she started to think a little differently and she would eat and gain weight and her body stopped digesting her.

But she went back to him and the unhealthy lifestyle and the abuse and the lies and the infidelity and the lies about the infidelity and him blaming her for forcing him to be unfaithful. Because why wouldn't you want to be intimate with your husband after he's screwed an untold number of faceless women?

What would the Proverbs 31 wife do? What would a good Christian wife do? She asked me again and again and again. LEAVE. GET OUT. SAVE YOUR LIFE. YOU DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS KIND OF MARRIAGE. HIS BEHAVIOUR IS A DEAL-BREAKER. REAL HUSBANDS DON'T DO/SAY/ACT THESE THINGS. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE THINGS FOR YOU. I said the same thing every time. I did not hem and haw. I did not seem indecisive. I called it abuse. I called the lies exactly what they are.

The truth will set you free. Only if you believe the truth.

And the pacing started. The incessant. walking. moving. can't. stop. must. smoke. all. the. time. walk. walk. walk. walk. around. in. circles. walk. around. in. circles. need. a. light. another. smoke.
The eating dwindled, as did her weight.

She is physically very ill, she is losing the ability to care for her own child. Thank God there are loving relatives who are taking responsibility for this confused girl.

The thing that really gets me, as if a terrified little girl and her dying mama aren't enough, is what this story could have been. It could have been a story of reconciliation, of strength, of rising above. Her parents have reconciled, have made amends, have totally gotten their lives together as individuals and as a married team. The child born to her is a beautiful, intelligent, creative and funny person, someone we love to have in our home. And she? A truly loving person with a heart for the wounded, the needy, the sick, she could have been a light in the lives of the people around her. She is the kind of person who has incredible potential to influence.

And influence? She will, I am sure of it. Except instead of eagerly anticipating that influence, I brace myself for something devastating. And there is nothing to be done about it.


  1. Oh gosh. I feel so terrible for that person. Though I don't know who it is, i will be praying tenfold for her. Hang in there!

  2. Pamela.
    I am so sorry.

  3. that's so sad. REally sad for the daughter..I don't know what to say.

    Oh wait, can I say what a worthless PIECE-O-SHIT-BASTARD her husbands sounds like?

  4. how heartbreaking.. it makes me want to call her up and have a little heart-to-heart.. i have been to so many of those places myself (though not to that extent..) and have made it to the other side.. i wish i could pull her through too..

  5. *Sigh*...I really feel bad, not only for the girl, but for you. How frustrating to poor your heart and soul into another and they disregard your advice! I will be praying for that little girl!! Oh and there is who come from such a horrible situation CAN turn out alright. I worked with many in my working days! All things are possible through Christ!!

  6. oh, I didn't realize she had gotten so bad again. she'll be in my thoughts.

  7. You're a good friend. Hold her and her daughter, as I will in my thoughts.

  8. aw. her poor little girl :(

  9. I am so sorry....your poor friend being that confused and misguided and her poor poor little girl. I hope she isn't at an age where she will remember this.

    I also hope with all my heart that there is a special place in hell for that thing she calls a husband.


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