Thursday, November 20, 2008

how to ruin target

Step 1: Take the children.

Step 2, as if Step The First is, in and of itself, not completely effective: Go to Target at lunchtime, or nap time, or even worse...go between lunch and nap when you haven't actually fed the children.

Step 3: Forget your list.

Step 4: Allow the 3 year-old to walk. As you will notice, this is NOT my first mistake in this scenario, and ****SPOILER ALERT**** I will tell you in advance that apparently I did not actually learn my lesson here. Because I'm super smart, that's why. Did you have to ask? Right. I know you didn't, but you ENJOY asking me questions, and having me tell you why.

Step 5: Give too many warnings. When you tell the three year-old that you will walk out of the store without items A, B, and C, (even though you really, really, reallyreallyreally need baby wipes), you need to leave the store and walk out. Before you pay. Even without the lifesaving latte. I know this.

Step 6: Engage in discussion with a preschool aged child, who believes Buzz Witenear calls him on the phone. And yes, if that is ruining our child's life, then we are PROUD OFFSPRING LIFE RUINERS.

Step 7: Answer the phone whilst in the store with a completely obnoxious child. Yes, Jocelyn, I know how you feel about the Satanic Cell Phone. And often I do feel this verysame way about the phone, however my BFF from college has been having a real sonofatime of it lately, and I do my best to answer the phone whenever she calls because that's the only way I have of loving her and supporting her because she is far, far away. But not Far And Away. That's a whole 'nother conversation, one that won't take very long at all. Except for the part where I mention that one of the supporting cast is a certain Colm Meany, who I saw perform the role of The Phantom in, no, not the Phantom Tollbooth The Cinematic Experience, but yes, in The Phantom of The Opera in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. A whole 'nother country. And that guy? CAN SING.

And except for the part where I just asked the googles about Colm Meany, and they told me I'm an ass, and I really am trying to discuss Colm Wilkinson, because Colm MEANY actually played Miles O'Brien on Star Trek Deep Space Nine, for which we all should love him and be grateful. But Colm Wilkinson? THAT GUY is apparently the one who can sing.

See what I mean about the singing? Sorry to confuse you. And this is Colm 'The Singah' Wilkinson playing Valjean in Les Miserables.

Do you see why I have the troubles I have? How did I even get here?

Step 8: Forget your Obnoxious Child has run down the toothpaste aisle, laughing like a crazy.

Step 9: Shout His Name, his entire, full, complete, three word long name, eighteen times until a security detail (or three bored, yet helpful, teenagers) comes to assist you. Triangulate around Child Who Wishes A Public Flogging, catch him up under your left arm, thank the Teenage Security Detail who has been SO helpful by corralling Child Who Wishes A Public Flogging (the trickery!!! ha-HA!)

I would just like to add that the entire time all of this nonsense was going on, I had hung up the phone. Also, Cutie Pie Dimple Head said, broken-record style, I sittin' right here. I sittin' in the cart. I bein' good.

Because he knows who butters his bread, yes he does.

Step 10: Completely in compliance with Step 5, pay for the items you've chosen, and possibly say, out loud to Child Who Wishes A Public Flogging, IF YOU DO NOT KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW, I WILL SPANK YOU RIGHT HERE IN THIS STORE, AND I DON'T CARE WHO THEY CALL ON ME. Because, at that very moment, you don't care. You want to drink, and that is all.

Step 11: Load the children and the four things in the car. Unintentionally glance over at the adjacent vehicle and COMPLETELY STARE AT A WOMAN SHAVING HER CHIN. In the car. In the parking lot of the Target.

And, voila! Easy as pie, your trip to Target is RUINED.


  1. ha! i had a mini-heart-attack when i read number 11--that is hilarious! sorry about your target ruining experience--i've had a few of those but i always come back for more...i just can't help it! i love target!

  2. I don't know how you managed to go from talking about a bad shopping experience, to "Les Miserables", and back again, but you did it.


  3. I was wondering about the Colm Meany thing because I do totally love him, but had never fancied him a singer. :)

    Shaving her chin? I totally understand why, but in the car? Do it at home where you have better lighting and are sure to get all the stragglers.

  4. Oh, I should read your posts every morning with my coffee. Laughter is a great way to start the day.

  5. did you come to Target with us? When I was a SAHM I took my children once between lunch and nap with no lunch. And there was crying and fit having. And you know what? I kept shopping. I strapped the little one in the cart and let her wail. It was the middle of the day in the middle of the week. The store was mostly empty. Mostly. Except for all those starers.

    Now that mine are a wee bit older, we set expectations every single time we enter the target parking lot. No, we are not buying legos or lunchables. Yes, I am filling the cart. Yes, you may try the food samples.

  6. Hi there! I found your blog through a friend, but just had to say that A. I WORSHIP Colm Wilkinson, isn't his voice gorgeous? and B. your post made me laugh hysterically (even though I felt rotton for laughing at your pain!). Thanks for such a fun post!

  7. OMG!!! (I can't believe i just typed that, I feel very blond right now).. Have our satin 3yr old children been hanging out together through the miles! Lets send them to military camp together, oh wait I'm jumping the gun just a tad. Please tell me that 4 is better we are only 4 mo. from 4! Anywho, I picked up my H-BOMB from school today to find out that he freaked out on his teacher for helping him hang up his hat! Because you see he wanted to do it by (in your terms)hisveryownself. Just like he freaked out on my last night at 3:58 AM for trying to help him get to the bathroom andt turn on the light, because he wanted to do it allbyhisveryownself! Damn that independance

  8. her chin? REally? Hey, what say we just skip that whole menapouse thing kay? good.

  9. Shaving? Not plucking? Because I've been known to pluck, but not shave.

    Did she buy the razors at Target?

  10. I couldn't even question what was going on...all I could do was stare. Thank God the cart put-away-thingy was behind her vehicle, or I'd probably still be standing there.

  11. We just got a new Target in town, so i'm gonna have to borrow someone's toddlers and try this list out . . . I think I can do it . . .

  12. This was hysterical! And the shaving lady topped it all off perfectly!

    Ahem. My grandmother used to shave. She had whiskers. Thick black ones. She grew up on a potato farm in Idaho. Is that an excuse?

    But I KNOW she never shaved in a parking lot.

  13. I think both Colm's are pretty fantastic......but Wilkinson's "Bring him home" in Les Mis - hearts stop it's so good.


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