Saturday, February 16, 2008

nine day vegan

Lately I have been experiencing teensy tiny brain shut-offs. Not the kind when you realize that someone has been talking and you have no idea what the last few sentences were. The kind where my brain clicks off and then back on. It feels like a light switch, quick click off, quick click on. I can tell when it's coming, because I have wicked nasty nausea in my face. I feel awful for quite some time afterwards, woozy, sick to my stomach, just plain yuck.

So I called the gals at CrossCurrent Healthcare, the place we have been going to get all of the yuck out of our bods. They tested me over the phone (I am just not going to explain this right now), and said that my body is having a nutrition problem where I can't handle casein or eating meat. She recommended I don't eat dairy or meat for nine days. Nine. Whole. Days.

Insert your favorite curse word here. Because that's what I said (in my head, of course, because I'm an Adult) when she told me. My favorite curse word. Flowers and ducks.

Naturally I am craving me some rich, chocolatey Ovaltine made with our organic milk, all thick and creamy, with a side of beef. The whole side. And turkey sauce. With crumbled bacon from our home-grown piggy.

Instead, I am going to saute some spinach with garlic and a little olive oil. For a Bedtime Snack. You heard me right. Spinach For Bedtime Snack. Because, they tell me, I will stop having my tiny little blackouts.

If they did not have such an awesome record for telling me what to do to fix me, I would be eating some of the camembert in my fridge that will now be going bad, because it will be sitting there for nine more days with nobody to love it and eat it all gone.

Flowers and ducks.


  1. I too have a meat problem too. The condition is known as the 'meat sweats'. It occurs if I eat too much meat (e.g. a 32oz London Broil, 8 servings of pot roast, a few dozen sliders from CarPool, or a four Bacon Cheeseburgers with Large Cajun Fries from FiveGuys). It starts small - a little pressure and a slightly slimy feeling on the small of my back. Pretty soon it turns to a full-out sweat, but not a standard salty water sweat. No, it's more a liquified vat of lard coming oozing from every pore in my body. Only thing I can do when it hits is put on the stretched out sweatpants and teeshirt and ride it out. The teeshirt is usally ruined - worst pit stains you ever did see. But oddly enough, the meat sweats don't smell bad. In fact, meat sweat has a very enticing odor - the kind that makes you want to eat more meat, in the way that smelling your neighbors ribs on the barbie make you want to fire up the old grill and eat your own little piece of heavenly cow. The NIH has not yet posted information on this condition to their website.

  2. Sure do hope I don't have the autism. Or Mad Cow Disease.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.