I dropped my kids off at a friend's house to go have a visit with my midwife. It must have been a really efficient morning, because I had time to both make and drink the entire 32 ounce French Press full of yummy, superstrong coffee. Oh, was it ever good.
Except, when they weighed me, I had gained TWO POUNDS instead of the recommended ONE POUND. Oddly enough...after consuming two pounds of coffee... 32 ounces=two pounds, are you with me on this? So the nurse shook her head at me.
Bite me.
I promised her I would pee that two pounds away in about 29 minutes. I even offered that she could weigh me again if she wanted. She kind of laughed and locked me in my room.
Bite me.
My midwife unlocked the door (kidding about the locked doors, they don't really do that) and came in, and we chatted about fun things like are your breasts leaking? And how's the heartburn situation? And I bet the boys are enjoying the nicer weather.
Ummm, no, they're not, it's better, and they like to be outside.
Then she asked: So do you have a nice comfy chair you can sit in while they run around and play? And naturally I replied, No, but I have a nice rake that I use to clean up my yard. And then she gave me the Naughty Pregnant Woman Talk, Doing Yard Work Will Give You Hemorrhoids Version.
Then, she looked at my weight. I'd like it better if you'd only gain one pound a week instead of two. So naturally, I replied, Well, I drank 16 ounces of water and 32 ounces of coffee this morning, so that's probably what the weight is. I haven't peed yet, except for the souvenir cup in the bathroom. To which she replied, DOESN'T DECAF COFFEE GIVE YOU HEARTBURN!?!?!?!? So naturally I answered, Decaf? I don't know nothing 'bout no decaf. She took my name in vain, to which I replied, I am 38 weeks pregnant. There is no way I'm switching to decaf NOW. Are you serious? And then she gave me the Naughty Pregnant Woman Talk, Coffee Is The Devil Version.
Then, she congratulated me for being Group B Strep Free! FINALLY!!! I HAD DONE SOMETHING RIGHT!!! Hooray for me!
Then she asked if the hospital could photograph my birthin' processes to write an article for the localrag completely accurate and reliable newspaper, to feature the remodel job on the Labour and Delivery Floor. I said, Sure, just so long as you get a really flattering shot of my vagina. I'd hate to have her all flashed out in public looking a mess. To which she replied, We aren't allowed to print a picture of your vagina in the newspaper. So naturally I answered, I was joking. I don't really want a picture of my vagina in the newspaper. It's special for me...well, it's special for The Mister... well, it's pretty tired out lately, so it would really like a vacation.
She told me to go home.
Except, when they weighed me, I had gained TWO POUNDS instead of the recommended ONE POUND. Oddly enough...after consuming two pounds of coffee... 32 ounces=two pounds, are you with me on this? So the nurse shook her head at me.
Bite me.
I promised her I would pee that two pounds away in about 29 minutes. I even offered that she could weigh me again if she wanted. She kind of laughed and locked me in my room.
Bite me.
My midwife unlocked the door (kidding about the locked doors, they don't really do that) and came in, and we chatted about fun things like are your breasts leaking? And how's the heartburn situation? And I bet the boys are enjoying the nicer weather.
Ummm, no, they're not, it's better, and they like to be outside.
Then she asked: So do you have a nice comfy chair you can sit in while they run around and play? And naturally I replied, No, but I have a nice rake that I use to clean up my yard. And then she gave me the Naughty Pregnant Woman Talk, Doing Yard Work Will Give You Hemorrhoids Version.
Then, she looked at my weight. I'd like it better if you'd only gain one pound a week instead of two. So naturally, I replied, Well, I drank 16 ounces of water and 32 ounces of coffee this morning, so that's probably what the weight is. I haven't peed yet, except for the souvenir cup in the bathroom. To which she replied, DOESN'T DECAF COFFEE GIVE YOU HEARTBURN!?!?!?!? So naturally I answered, Decaf? I don't know nothing 'bout no decaf. She took my name in vain, to which I replied, I am 38 weeks pregnant. There is no way I'm switching to decaf NOW. Are you serious? And then she gave me the Naughty Pregnant Woman Talk, Coffee Is The Devil Version.
Then, she congratulated me for being Group B Strep Free! FINALLY!!! I HAD DONE SOMETHING RIGHT!!! Hooray for me!
Then she asked if the hospital could photograph my birthin' processes to write an article for the local
She told me to go home.
***************************
In other news, I signed up for Twitter. I'm now a twit. Or a tweeter... except I'm not just yet. The page where I ought to be able to input my phone info is being stupid, and I can't input my phone info. So, I might quit Twitter if it's going to be a pain in the ass like that. I'll keep you posted, here, if you're the caring sort.
Yo midwife is naztee. Get a new one.
ReplyDeleteSo you gained 2lb (ZOMG!!!), so you drank some caffeinated coffee (ZOMGZOMG!!), so you are 38 weeks pregnant and still moving about.. what does she think you are? a person recovering from a deathly illness? or someone preparing to bring a new life in this world? does she not realize that if you spend your pregnancy on your ass drinking no caffeine then you will spend your labor tired and out of shape?? and damn. but labor is HARD work.
She's actually pretty cool. And all the cool kids 'round these parts use her, so I'm sticking.
ReplyDelete2 pounds in stead of 1...ummmm thats nothing girl. I gained WAY too much with my first and no one EVER said anything to me. Now that I think about it...not once has a doc talked to me about my weight while pregnant.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to coffee...I say, whatever gets you through the day! I love coffee and I love it even more when it is free. I learned today that McDonald's gives free coffee out on Monday's (there new special coffees)! It was the best surprise of my day today! So make your next appointment for a Monday (if you make it that long) and pick one up!
Hopefully it won't be too much longer girl!!
What's your Twitter username???????????????????
ReplyDeleteSorry. I got excited. I'm muzenews on there if you want someone to follow. I can't wait to follow you on there :-)
I gained about 4 lbs a week in the last month! Tell her to jump off a bridge!
ReplyDeleteand keep drinking coffee, give it another couple years and some study will come out saying that we should dring coffee while we're preggers (for the record I'm not preggers)
pameladayton is the name.
ReplyDeleteand, i was able to register my device... that is such a weird phrase.
so as soon as i can figure out how to tweet, or whatever it's called, i will.
There was NO way I was giving up coffee while I was pregnant. I gave up wine and cigarettes - no coffee would have KILLED me. ;-)
ReplyDeletewill you autographe the picture of your vagina and send it to me?
1 lb/week, ha!
ReplyDeleteAnd while you often make coffee come out my nose, Ree totally won today. An autographed pic ... ha! like you'd give out two of those.
Newspaper photos are never that great. Let's just take care of it the next time we get portraits of the kids. Then we can have some big glossies to send to our blog friends and lots of wallets too.
ReplyDeleteOh and totally off the subject...I tried the yummy baked oatmeal! YUMMY! I didn't have any applesauce made, but I did have some apple butter from the famous Jocelyn! WOW! Delicious!
ReplyDeleteI was over 200 pounds when pregnant with each one of my kids. I think different people's bodies do different things when pregnant, and my mom told me that she noticed that people who gained more weight had smarter kids. I'm sure that is very scientific and you might want to mention that to your midwife. Works for me! (I have very smart kids...ha)
ReplyDeleteGotta love the midwives. I was all like "Whatevs" when anyone suggested I give up coffee.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I leaked colostrum, even during my first pregnancy. Weird, wild stuff.