Tuesday, March 17, 2009

things they don't tell you when you get pregnant.

  1. It will be okay.  I'm just going to start off with that one, because I'm probably going to say some things that will scare the living sh!t out of any of you who are not currently parents of children.  It will be okay. 
  2. It is highly likely that you will not want to have sex for the duration.  Because weird things are happening to your body, man, and weirder things happen when you have what she's having.  If you know what I mean.
  3. Hair will grow where no hair has grown before.  For example, you may be horrified to find the random big black hair growing from your left shoulder.  Or your belly.  Or your breasts.  JUST LIKE A MAN.  Also, Hobbit Toes do occur.  But on the plus side, the hair on your head might just be the most gorgeous hair you've ever had.  Enjoy it while it lasts, though, because it will probably all fall out after the baby is born.  And also?  Personal grooming is going to become exceedingly difficult, so if you are one of those gals who likes to keep the green clipped, you need to weigh the importance of doing so with how it feels to get a Brazilian.  I do hear there's something called sugaring that does the same work as wax.  But there's nobody who's going to rub my girly pieces up with "sugar" and then rip away.  Heck no, sister.
  4. There will be goo.  And it will ooze from you in a most unattractive manner, requiring you to go through pads like gangbusters.  If gangbusters were to use pads.  Not sure about that, now that I'm thinking about it.
  5. You will probably find yourself grunting when you stand up.  Personally, I find that it helps me to bust the inertia bubble that envelopes me every time I sit down.  I'm claiming the grunt as a power noise that propels me to the next, painful stage of my day:  Standing.
  6. You will probably develop a waddle.  This can be avoided by keeping your shoulders back, and flexing your keister when you walk (this will also make your ass look better...bonus!)  Do not confuse that flexing with Kegels.
  7. It may feel like your pelvis is trying to wrap around your spine.  It is not.  You may also feel like your pubic bone has come unglued.  It has not.  But it will hurt like a mother.   Lucky for you, when you officially become a mother?  Your bones go back mostly to normal.  And you forget how much your nether regions hurt.  Really.  I am surprised daily by the amount of pain I am in, and The Mister keeps saying (over and over and over and over) This is exactly like every other time.  This is totally normal.  Oh, if I'd only give him a nickel for every time he said that, I'd keep myself in proper ice cream.
  8. Buy the most serious pads you can find for after the baby is born, and buy a lot of them.  Because the situation with the post-partum discharge is this:  HAVING THE CRAZIEST, HEAVIEST PERIOD OF YOUR LIFE FOR AT LEAST SIX WEEKS.  Good news, though, with each subsequent birth, the length of time decreases considerably.  With HB, I was finished with that in less than 2 weeks.  And if you're having a c-section?  I have no idea what to tell you about that.  Fun Fact:  Your body will continue to produce amniotic fluid, and sometimes that will pool up inside you if you sit for too long, and then when you stand up?  It's just like your water is breaking.  Again.  Fun times, girls, fun times.
  9. It is possible to get through your pregnancy without suffering stupid, life-altering cravings.  Really.  If you need to make friends with a dietitian, do it.  They know things, really useful things, that will keep you healthy and feeling well.
  10. Your body is designed to go through the whole process, from the fun trying-to-get-knocked (hopefully it was fun for you...I'd tell you stories about fun in the back yard last summer if I was that kind of girl and if my brothers didn't read this), to the Walking Petri Dish stage, to the birthing stage.  Don't believe people who tell you stories that are obviously false, and don't listen to people who are obviously being mean.  I worked with one of those mean ones, and she loved to tell me that when she was pregnant, her skin was stretched so thin she could see the baby.  Here's a tip for people like that:  Call bullshit, and punch her in the face.  Don't worry about getting picked up for assault, everybody knows she had it coming.  And if you see a doctor who says this:  If you were my daughter, I'd sit down with you and talk to you about the benefits of having a cesarean section until you understood... Just because it looks like you might be having a big-ish baby?  Please know that he most likely has a cash register for a heart, and sees your uterus as a piggy bank.*
Did I miss anything?  Anybody want to yell at me about c-sections?  What's the stupidest thing anybody said to you when you were pregnant?

*Of course there are cases where a c-section is medically necessary.  There are.  I just question the number of c-sections happening in relation to obstetric history and the seemingly unchanging infant mortality rate in this country (which, I will add, is shockingly high compared to the rest of the world).  And yes, my OB actually did say that to me.  And no, he is no longer my OB.  I fired him.  


  1. thank you ... for that last comment. totally agree.
    and all the rest.

  2. Love it! All of it is soooo very true!

    The only thing I would add would be the fact that every time you stand up you feel as if the baby and every other organ in your body may actually fall out! This gets worse each time and each time you apparently forget about this horrible feeling! When the doctor gives you a harness to wear (which is suppose to hold your junk in) don't believe it will actually work. It is just their way of "solving" the problem for you!

    And in the end you do actually forget about all the CRAP you go through to get that little fat baby!

    Thanks for the advice about the fluid...didn't actually know that!

    Happy Tuesday! ~Kara

  3. ahhh, yes. Lovely reminders of my pregnancies. Just wondering why you didn't want to mention the h-word. Or at least link back to your previous post on it? Maybe you thought one post was enough, in which case I understand.

    Have a great day!

  4. Once when I was about 7 months pregnant with my second daughter, I caught site of myself in a mirror in a VERY WELL LIT PLACE, and I noticed a whole heap of hideously dark neck hair. That shit came out of nowhere. Luckily, after giving birth, it went away, but seriously WTF neck hair?

    And I had friends who swore by a higher sex drive when pregnant. I found this to not be true for me. I wanted nothing to do with it.

    And I had two c-sections. Though I did go through a free-standing birth center with midwives, I was deemed failure-to-progress at 4 cm after 27 hours of labor and did the whole emerg c-section thing after a fever. I tried, hard. My cervix was a stubborn beyotch. But I hear you. I think our c-section rate is a combination of things in this country, and we'd do well to address it.

  5. I love you! hang in there!

  6. My c/s for my first was because she was frank breech. The 2nd...I was 'forced' to do a repeat because the hospital we delivered at doesn't allow VBACs. Whatever! If we're stilling living here for the next one, I'm NOT doing a c/s!!!

    As for the bleeding...first time 6 weeks *at least* and the 2nd time only seemed like a week or so at most. The nurses were FANTASTIC about massaging that uterus down! Oh and hot blankets during surgery were also FANTASTIC. Duramorph SUCKED...thought I was going to itch myself to death!

  7. You know, you have a way of really making a girl want to have children. It all just sounds so uneventful and pleasant and not even remotely DISGUSTING.

    I must say that I'm the most upset about the pad thing.... I HATE PADS.


    I hope you realize that when the time comes for me to be in a 'delicate condition' I'm calling you and the mister to complain and freak out randomly.

  8. I had two c sections and I bled like a stuck pig for weeks. I also ripped my staples with the second one b/c I thought maybe the "no lifting for five weeks" rule was more of a suggestion and that taking my 2 year old to the "family dance" at the community center and doing the limbo would be OK.

    My incision site got infected. You might think you know what gross is, but until you've had an infected c section incision that oozes and then has a flap of skin hanging through the scar that has to be BURNED AWAY WITH ACID, you haven't.


    I made myself sick.

  9. Dude. I totally grunted WAY more than just when standing up. More like.. every. time. I. freakin'. twitched. a. muscle.

    Just sayin'.

    and I won't even go into the 'stupidest thing anyone said to me while knocked-up'.. it's taken some serious time and brain cells to block that shit out.. (and brain cells are always in short supply both pre and post natal..)

    what was I saying?


  10. OK. I will not yell at you about C Sections. Because I am one of those women who hemorraged and whose baby nearly died suring the first vaginal delivery, but attempted, against all advice, a second vaginal delivery, and ended up having a C section anyway when the baby couldn't get into the birth canal and the heart rate dropped to almost nothing. This time, I will go quietly into the OR. Otherwise, I agree with your list completely.

    Also, I can now pop my pelvis at will. It's a neat little trick that I like to bust out at cocktail parties.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.