Monday, March 16, 2009

six steps guaranteed to make the sales clerk at the fabric store stare at you like you have three heads

  1. Cut the line of fifteen tired-looking grandma types.
  2. Say, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but my son has just informed me that he is about to barf.  So if you would please give me three of your largest plastic bags, I'll take him right out of your store.
  3. When she says, Ummm...what?, calmly repeat yourself.  My son is going to throw up.  Please give me some bags so that when he does it in my car, I don't have to spend the rest of the night cleaning it up.
  4. When she tilts her head to the left, all confused-like, and looks at the plastic bags hanging both in front of her and also behind her, point to the biggest bags and say, THOSE.  GIVE ME THREE OF THOSE.  OR JUST PULL ME OFF A HANDFUL OF THEM.  THE CHILD IS GOING TO THROW UP.  HE CAN DO IT IN THE BAG OR ON YOUR FLOOR.  YOU PICK.
  5. Look at the nearest tired-looking grandma types for assistance.  
  6. Say, Excuse me, to the first two in line.  Heft your nine-month pregnant self up on the counter, grab a handful of bags, thank everyone for jumping in to help, and quickly exit the store with your three small children.


***As it happens, there was no actual barfing, only the threat of barfing, and, well, that's enough barfing for me.


  1. WHat the eff has happened to the Grama's of the world!!?? DAMN!

    Where was all the been-there-done-that-"its-ok-sweet-heart-this-too-shall-pass" stuff and warm, sweet sympathetic looks that they're supposed to wear?

    And in a fabric store no less! Shouldn't that be the epitome of nice and kind and friendly?

    How you doing lil mama?

  2. YOu should write a book girl! Your kids always take you for a "ride"! LOVE IT! ~Kara

  3. gotta love today's public. You know if a McCarthy was in that line they would have busted some heads for you!

  4. I'd have paid for pictures of that jump on the counter move. ;-)

  5. I wish I was there so I could watch your kidlets for a couple hours while you enjoy the fabric store a couple hours. I wish someone had done that for me.

  6. so totally enough barfing.



talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.