Monday, May 11, 2009

notice to my brothers: gratuitous use of the word vagina.

It's well after nine o'clock.  

The baby has been firmly attached to the creamery all. day. long.   And he is finally taking a nap asleep for the night (think positive, Pamela...).

And by asleep for the night I mean I will awaken only momentarily a maximum of three times between now and 6:30 (when the big boys jump on my head) to roll over and suckle mah babeh. Moving on.

Today I have eaten like a moron. Three cups of coffee for breakfast. Two cookies at 11:00. A box of Kraft SuperExtraStupidFatty Creamy Macaroni and Cheese. Also one large handful of baby carrots, but those don't even matter because by this point there's just no use. There was some snacking that happened, but to be honest, I have no idea what I ate. I did make a healthy dinner: homemade refried beans (from dry beans, too!) and guacamole (also from scratch). Some people had burritos, the rest of us ate it with blue corn tortilla chips. And half of a store-bought marble cake with white frosting and hot pink flowers moving on. That's right, people, moving on, there's nothing to see here except a bunch of crumbs on the keyboard and a smudge of hot pink frosting on the corner of my mouth.

Also, because my life is totally lacking in the Excitement and Special Effects Department, I had an ultrasound today. Pick your slack jaws up off the floor, NO I AM NOT PREGNANT ALREADY AND BANISH THE THOUGHT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT. There has been some really very terrible cramping. Please recall that I did have a baby six weeks ago, and I still remember the really very terrible pains from that event, and notice I am using the verysame vocabulary to describe both events. I'm doing that on purpose. Mah Midwife thinks I may have some intrauterine stowaways, and so I had to have an ultrasound. And no, I haven't heard what, if anything, is in there, but I'll keep you posted if it's something that is related to Excitement and Special Effects.

So I had an ultrasound.

And then I had a transvaginal ultrasound. Which should be more appropriately titled, The Here, Sweetcakes, Let Me Stick My Enormous Picture Wand Up Your Hoo-Ha So I Can Get A Better Look At Your Ovaries.

Except I had to *ahem* place the picture wand for her. Also? The technician said Beautiful as she watched me do it.

Say it with me people: AWKWARD!

There has been a lot of transvaginal viewing by members of the local hospital staff, but none of them, to their credit, called my vagina beautiful. And yes, while I'm at it, I might just write them a thank you letter for not openly ogling my Special Parts. As we tell the children, Your private parts are special for you. They're not special for everybody.

Seriously, I'm sure my vagina's just as much of a looker as anybody else's. I am not a vaginal expert, and I haven't done any research, or spent a lot any time looking at p0rn lately ever, but complimenting it? Really? That's a bit much.

I suppose I could have misunderstood her. Maybe she was just admiring my uterus.


  1. you? are teh awesome.

    can i be you when i grow up?

    and at least we know it wasn't Matt Damon doing the transvaginal viewing.

    because I'm fucking Matt Damon. Thankyouverymuch.

  2. how do you like them Excitement and Special Effects? ;)

  3. For serious? This is the best, ahem...only...ahem, post about transvaginal ultrasounds I've ever read! Bravo!

  4. "Excitement and Special Effects" sounds like a code phrase for physical activity that is generally not recommended for women who have recently given birth and can have the side effect of causing them to give birth again. Am I in the ballpark here?

    And I agree with Lisa: Best post about mumble mumble mumble I've ever read!

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. I didn't delete anything cool or embarassing - it was just a duplicate. Too much clicking too soon.

  7. Too funny! I have never been told my Place was beautiful by a doctor. Now I'm jealous.

    Hope all goes well and there is nothing extra special going on.

  8. Rarely am I at a loss for words...but this...thank you, my dear for some great belly laughs this morning. Now, I'll get the windex and clean off my screen and keyboard...:)

  9. MEDIC!!! Awkward doesn't even quite describe that moment.

  10. i remember when i was miscarrying my first and the lady asked if i wanted to insert the "special" wand ...
    i declined ... and i've never regretted that decision.
    i assumed that was part of HER job.

  11. I think it's bizarre that they ask you to put the dildo cam in yourself. I've heard other people say they had to do that also, and I'm so thankful that when I had to have the dildo cam the tech *ahem* inserted it herself. I mean, that is their job, right? There must be some training redarding the placement of the dildo cam, right? Also, I am so thankful that when the tech inserted the dildo cam she did not say "beautiful." Because that is possibly the most inappropriate thing to say at that moment. It's also so weird that they put a condom and some lube on the end.

    I hope there's nothing too crazy going on in your utereus and that they quickly fix whatever it is. No one who has recently given birth deserves to have cramps like that.

  12. i can't imagine the things a guy would be thinking if this ever happened to him. maybe ask the mister, if he had a scope placed in certain parts and the guy called it beautiful....SOMEONE would be missing teeth i tell ya!!!

  13. blissfully caffeinated enjoys saying dildo..that makes me laugh

  14. 1) I once laughed so hard at something the technician said during one of those that I shot the wand right out of myself - durn thing nearly flew across the room. CLASSY.

    2) What the hell is an intrauterine stowaway??

  15. Interesting. I'm speechless . . . unless I want to talk about Mac & Cheese . . . nah.

  16. OMG, you beautiful vag lady, you.

    Thankfully, I've never had occasion to do myself with the ultrasound wand.

    I have, however, had a part of my insides called beautiful: my colon! Apparently, it's quite lovely.

  17. Nobody has ever called my vajayjay pretty. Sniff.

    That wand thing? My husband and I were completely intimidated by that thing. Yikes!

  18. I'm sure she was just admiring your, erm...technique.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.