one of those days

It started poorly. At least for me, it started poorly. Because when I woke up, The Mister had departed to his place of employment. And the MyGirl and NumberOneSon were bouncing 'round the house, using dvd's like plates, hats, shoes, forks, toilet paper. You get the picture. And it was one of those mornings in which I was physically unable to actually open my eyes. I was sort of awake in my brain, but my eyes were so very tired. That comes from not changing my contacts every two weeks, as I should.

The Mister also did not remove the steaming pile of diapers, which has been making me gag for a long, stinkin' time (giggle if you must). I also peeled five tangerines without eating one slice, and did not actually consume caffeine until it was almost P.M.

The fighting...oh, the fighting. It has begun. And let me tell you, I have been biting my tongue. At least mostly. There was one rather ugly moment where I unleashed the angry beast and it shouted, "STOP FIGHTING OR YOU WILL BE DUCT TAPED TO YOUR BEDS UNTIL YOUR FATHER COMES HOME!!!" Duct tape is such a handy product, useful for all occasions. Shoulda slapped a big ol' piece of it over my mouth about five minutes sooner.

Here's a list of ridiculous behavior for today:

1. Stealing prized item (ie. NumberOneSon's blanket, called Beloved; HB's bink; whatever MyGirl was looking at)
2. Pouring water over HB's head. And I am not talking about a tablespoonful, or shot-glass amount. Say it with me: PINTS.
3. Placing both hands around another person's neck, simultaneously squeezing and shaking. This WAS NOT ME. This was a child.
4. Kicking in the face.
5. Punching in the ________. (You fill in the blank, you'll be right no matter what your choice.)
6. Tackling.
7. Tickling with force.
8. Usage of locations other than the toilet for depository.
9. Taunting with pretzels.
10. Screaming constantly (again, not me, mine was only that one time).
11. Disobeying at every opportunity.
12. Fighting about everything from whose turn it is to turn the tv off, to cutting the sandwiches at lunch. J: Triangle. O: No, Rectangle. J: TRIANGLE. O: RECTANGLE. J: TRIANGLE. O: RECTANGLE. Mama: Hold that thought...keep your mouths open...great. Now chew.
13. Poking with forks.
14. General meanspiritedness and naughty behavior.

I have put them in time out. Except they refuse to go today, and I am so frustrated and angry, that I can't really pick them up and put them there, because I just don't want to touch them. I don't hit my kids, I have seen enough of that to last my lifetime. That's why I am not putting them in their time outs. And if you don't get that, if you don't know how easy it is to stand on one side of the line, looking at the other side, realizing how thin the line is and how you could slip over the line if you're not careful, it's okay. I'm just being real, over here, because that's all I know, and because I'm not such a great bullshit artist that I can say, "Being a mama is all sunshine and roses." Sometimes it sucks and is hard, and is all kid poop and wall art. Not that I'd ever even consider giving it up...well, the poop and drawing on the walls could go. It'd be okay.

The rice I am cooking for dinner smells like it's on fire, and three out of four of us in the house are weeping uncontrollably. The fourth keeps shouting, "What's all the smoke about?" Yeah, the rice was on fire. And I have been clenching my jaw so much today that I have a wicked headache and am wearing my TMJ splint, usually reserved for bedtime. In the event that at the end of the day I'm feeling supersexy, the splint reminds me that I am just another stressed out, butt-wiping, fight-breaking-up, brain-dead mother of preschoolers who also looks like she has an equine relative just up the family tree.

I just asked MyGirl, "So why are you guys so nasty to each other and so very disobedient?" Her response: Well, maybe we watched too much tv, or maybe we are tired and didn't eat enough food that is good for us.

Yeah. Whatever. Knock it off already.