Thursday, October 2, 2008

auspicious

It has been a truly amazing day. And it's only 2 p.m.

Superness started last night, when I became addicted to playing Webkinz.

I multi-tasked in the bathroom before bed, removing my contacts while sitting on the toilet. Let's just say that today I am wearing a brand-new left contact. Because once you accidentally drop a contact on your underwear, the next place it goes is IN THE GARBAGE. Or the toilet, if that's where you happen to be at that exact moment.

I awoke to Miss O shouting about how her throat hurt, and her head hurt and how she ABSOLUTELY WAS NOT EVER GOING TO SCHOOL AGAIN AND I WANT TO MAKE MRS. TEACHER SOMETHING SPECIAL OUT OF PIPE CLEANERS AND DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE TO GET DRESSED BECAUSE I AM WEARING MY PAJAMAS ALL DAY LONG DOOR SLAM

And then she ran into the bathroom and worshipped the porcelain throne. But not *ACTUAL* worshipping. Just the imitation kind, where is sounds like actual porcelain throne worship but nothing, umm, materializes.

Have I ever mentioned HOW MUCH I CAN'T DEAL WITH VOMIT, REAL OR TRYING, WHEN I'M PREGNANT? Or not pregnant, for that matter?

Moving on.

So Miss O happily crawled back into bed to read some books.

Cue: Wee Man.

I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL. KICKING. SCREAMING UNINTELLIGIBLE LANGUAGE, LIKE RUSSIAN PIG-LATIN. I. NOT. GOING. INOTGOING. INOTGOING. I NOTGOING. Ad nauseum.

After sitting on Wee Man to a) clothe him, b) shoe him, and c) put his jacket on him, all the while being a) punched in the eyes, b) kicked in the, well, everywhere, and c) bit... I KNOW?!?!? WHO BITES THESE DAYS!?!?! I carried him down the street to school. Don't tell my midwife, or that crazy scheduling lady who is a semi-pro high-risk pregnancy diagnoser.

We stopped at my in-laws house to sit on the porch, or wrestle sitting down for a minute, which is a more accurate description. Eventually Wee Man was at school, and after a series of lies and half-truths, I went home. Alone.

Please note: HB and Miss O were home with their ever-loving, ever-helpful Grandma. They were not alone, so don't even get your shaking fingers out today. Because I just can't deal.

Miss O was begging for food, doing all kinds of super tricks, standing on her head and doing ballet when I returned. Turns out, there's a BIG OL' school assembly today, and the music teacher has been teaching the kids a song that everyone will sing with the guitar guy who is coming. She had Miss O all freaked out about performing in a BIG OL' CONCERT, when in reality, the kids are probably sitting in the auditorium in the comfy seats, sing-a-long style.

Also, there's a New Kid in her class. It seems that New Kid has some serious issues that lead him to be completely disruptive, screaming and yelling and throwing himself on the floor of the classroom two-year-old style. Er, three-year-old style, if you're in my house. New Kid has been there for, well, this is the fourth day, and he's already being shadowed by the principal. The principal has been spending the entire week in this kindergarten class, trying to help with the 'behavior issue'. Miss O has had entirely enough of the disruption, and has been taking it out on all of us. Teacher, who is about the perkiest person to walk the earth, she's the kindergarten teacher poster grown-up, looks a little ragged.

Miss O and I chatted about things, and she decided she wanted to go to school.

Grandma picked Wee Man up, now totally happy and having a blast. Until I came in the door from dropping off Miss O.

Then it was Round Two. Poor HB was sitting at the table, eating his soup, when I hauled Wee Man upstairs. I sat on Wee Man again, until he stopped trying to kick my ass.

Which took 40 minutes.

Then he passed out, and I ran downstairs to fetch the now-crying HB, who was out of soup and chocolate milk, and was also sitting in a very messy diaper.

And now it's happy hour. It's a good thing that I only need to move my fingers right now, because every muscle in my body is exhausted.

Oh--and The Mister is working overtime. Of course.

11 comments:

  1. I remember the "sitting on the kid" aspect of toddler tantrums.

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  2. Oh no! What a horrible day! Do you at least have an amazing apple pie to chow on? I hope tomorrow goes better!

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  3. You never cease to amaze me... (in a good way)

    By the by, I am listening to "Tom Waits - The Ocean Doesn't Want Me" and its all your fault! THANK YOU!

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  4. You, my friend, are hilarious. Sorry about the contact in your drawers. But on the other hand, yay for you for being a woman that can have it all by multi-tasking.

    I can't deal with vomit either. I don't even like typing that word. I wish there were a pretty word for that action.

    Also, I kept thinking all day today how cool Michelle K must be feeling about herself. She was called out, in a post just to find her. That's gonna up her google score.

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  5. Aww. I love the pumpkin picture!!

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  6. Ah, if having it all was as easy as peeing while taking out contacts usually is.

    And let's not be dogging on Winner Michelle. The internets ate her email! We've been successfully dodging the internets today, and even had, well, don't worry about it. Everything's under control. She's got the nuts to prove it.
    Er, well, she will next week. Yeah.

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  7. And Danae, what the heck? Are you standing outside my kitchen watching us eat apple pie? For pete's sake. Come in and have a slice. I make a serious apple pie. Today? Three. Serious. Pies.

    We're down to two at the moment, and we plan to kill another one at breakfast tomorrow. And by WE I mean *I* plan to kill another one at breakfast tomorrow.

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  8. If there wasn't 3 states in between us, I would be there in a heartbeat! I love apple pie! Did you use Cardamon?

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  9. So, she has pulled the fake sick bit to get out of going to school already! WOW I think it took me till 1st grade to figure that out! Glad to know that you didn't wash off your contact and save it! I'm impressed! My Hygene skills would have had a hard time throwing that away, But my once-hygenicself would have stepped in and taken over and forced my disgusting side to throw it away! Good for you! i hope you didn't have to have that inner battle!

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  10. No, she wasn't faking. I think she was really and truly super stressed about the new kid and the concert. You can't fake that pale, and pretend to have black circles around your eyes. And the near-barfing? If that was fake, I'm getting that kid an agent and moving to Hollywood.

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  11. aaawww, bless her heart! that kid must be horrible! and that damn music teacher putting all that stress on the poor kid! I'm glad you were able to get her to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

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talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.