Thursday, April 9, 2009

Notes To Baby Elliott

Hi Elliott!

First of all, let me speak on behalf of the entire blogsphere when I tell you that your arrival was highly anticipated. We all love your Mommy SO MUCH and have been reading all of her entries about your siblings and how she managed to juggle gestating you, the fourth baby, all the while taking care of everyone around her.

Your Mommy has been VERY BUSY. She has dealt with a few bouts of nasty bugs which may have resulted in vomit…a thing which your Mommy hates A LOT, and a general dose of “the tired”. Your Mommy is a trooper and she has an awful lot of people that love her who have never even met her….sort of like you! Crazy, right? You will get used to the spotlight, my tiny friend. As a BOB (baby of blogger) there are some things you should know that your new best friend, Auntie Stiletto, is all too happy to share with you.

BOB Rule Number One: You will be talked about. Constantly. Should you choose to cry all night? Expect a post about it. If you decide to start walking way too soon? Well, your Mommy will probably document every step likening you to a tiny, drunken, bald man. You have been warned. Be on your best behavior. Mommy has a computer and she is not afraid to use it.

BOB Rule Number Two: Miss O rules the roost. Don’t forget this. She appears to be quite innocent but she was here first and she knows how to work the system. Learn from her, befriend her, make cute goo goo faces at her. I’m pretty sure she may be in charge. (PS: Don’t tell your Mommy and Daddy…they think they are in charge. This can be our funny little secret, mkay?)

BOB Rule Number Three: Your brothers? Wee Man and h.b? I think you can pawn a lot of the blame on “brokety things” off on them. Being the baby of the group, you can sort of get away with anything. Having older brothers only helps you in this regard because they are going to get into their big boy phase way before you. This means a few things. First, if you need attention…SCREAM…and then claim one of them pinched or hit you. Secondly, if you do break something…stand very still, pull the “What, Me??” face and then wait as the blame falls all around you. Trust me, my own Miss G (who I am totally sending to babysit you one day) is a master of this and it has caused her from being blamed for hundreds, if not thousands , of dollars in property damage. She has a system that works, and I think you should roll with it.

BOB Rule Number Four: Spit bubbles rule, these will make your parents smile and melt in your very presence. At some point, you might find yourself in the situation of driving your parents crazy because of the following activities:
  • Crying all night for no apparent reason.
  • Refusal to nurse at appropriate times. (See more under dictionary definition of “engorged boobs”.)
  • Nursing too much. (See more under dictionary definition of "droopy boobs".)
  • Too many poopy diapers.
  • …or refusal to make poopy diaper.
  • Fussiness at diaper changes.
  • Peeing on everyone around you when said diaper is changed.
  • General spitting up.
  • Spitting up on clean clothes.
  • Spitting up…period.
  • Dislike of “the naked”.
  • Dislike of people who your parents are trying to show you off and to whom you take immediate offense.
  • Crying all night for no apparent reason (because this one cannot be stated enough).

Elliott, there is so much more I could tell you, but let’s face it, you are only a little over a week old and I wanted to start with the basics. You are a beautiful boy and we all look forward to watching you grow up. Just try to take it easy on your Mommy, she sort of has her hands full.

Auntie Stiletto


  1. a post from the stiletto mom is always a treat! v. funny!

    i especially liked the bit about likening him to a drunk little bald man should he start walking too soon. so true! or as we say in my house, "c'est vrai!"
    or as we also say in house, "verdad." or maybe we just grimace and walk away in silence.

  2. BOB, your Auntie Stiletto is so right. Along with your sister and older brothers, you're bound to be an instant Internet celebrity. After all, you've got it in your genes. Your mom and dad are one of most popular pair of married bloggers out there (Dooce-Blurbomat who?) Welcome to the world. I look forward to seeing all the mischief and trouble you bring to the family!

  3. *giggles @ Auntie Stilleto* Heed her words, Little BOB. She's a wise woman.

  4. some of the most popular married bloggers out there? woo! hoo!


  5. So they packed up the family and moved to Beverly. Hills, that is.

    Swimmin' pools... movie stars.

  6. This was a great guide! Love it!

  7. Hi Elliot;

    Auntie Stiletto again here with one more helpful hint. When you guest post for someone? LEAVE A LINK on your own blog so people can find it.


    Sorry Pamela! I am a total doofus.

    Mary Anne

  8. I think maybe all the BOB's need a support group to deal with their fame!

    He is precious and I hope he takes this excellent advice.

  9. Great rules!! I will try them on my boys.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.