Monday, April 13, 2009

prevention... of a sort.

Hola, I’m Stephanie. (Hey, I just got done listening to Diego drone on about baby jaguar. Cut me some slack.) I’m one of Pamela’s IRL friends and fellow bloggers. When Pamela sent me an e-mail about guest-posting here at the Dayton Time, I deleted it. Really. I mean come on, have you read my blog, Pamela? There’s no way I can run with the big dogs on your blog. First of all, I’m way too much of a conservative. And I’m not all that funny. 

And as the days go on and I read your guests’ wonderful posts, I’m more and more convinced of my lack of talent. But then I thought, hey, what’s better for a blog than a little diversity, right?

So… shall we commence today’s topic. One that, amazingly, hasn’t been covered yet by Pamela’s awesome line-up of guest-posters. And I’ll try my best to bring my A-game.

Drumroll, please…

Things For Pamela To Read (and read again) In Case She Ever Starts Thinking She Wants To Have Baby #5. Or in case she ever starts thinking about a little unprotected roll in the hay with The Mister. (I call it prevention… of a sort.)

We all know that shortly post-baby, you forget all the nasty things about being pregnant and especially you forget the capital F.U.N. that is labor and delivery. So I thought I’d try to counteract that baby amnesia, if it is at all possible. Here goes:
  • Re-read your own pregnancy post, Pamela. It’s one of my favorites. 
  • Baby #5. Need I say more? That’s 5, think slowly about it, fffiiivvveee, children. Do you think your bed can hold seven people in it comfortably? I think you’d end up with more than one child sleeping on your face.
  • Speaking of which, sex with little people around (four of them now, to be exact, in the Dayton household) kind of loses its charm, doesn’t it? Do you have a lock on the bedroom door, over there? Or is it kind of like college sex… hide under the covers and try to be as quiet as possible. (Bring out the Boone’s, by the way. Or maybe that’s just me. Oops, I may have said too much.)
  • There are lots of great reasons not to have sex now, besides the aforementioned general busyness in the bedroom. You could sing all the reasons, like a weird rendition of “My Favorite Things”. Fatigue, feeling like if someone else needs something from you, you’re going to drop-kick them (definitely not have a quickie), leaking milk, babies crying, did I mention being bone-tired?, headaches from wrangling kids all day, not being able to see the bed because of all the laundry on it waiting to be folded… these are a few of my favorite things. Catchy, isn’t it? 
  • Try to visualize hours and hours of pain. Real pain. Not the “ouch, the sticky adhesive on my pad caught a little hair down there” kind of pain. The “oh my goodness I think I’m going to die” kind of pain. Remember that? Do you really want to do that again?
  • Less time for you to be on the computer, blogging. I mean, more time for you to be spending breaking up fights, taking a stand against little knee-kickers, and dealing with kindergarten teachers.
  • I’m sure you don’t want a repeat of someone ordering, ahem, asking you, in your last week of pregnancy to make them some baked oatmeal. Really, who has that kind of nerve??
  • Having 5 kids… the college fund would definitely use up your discretionary income. Could you imagine having to choose between college or coffee? College. Or. Coffee. You tell me what would win out.
  • Let’s think about this logically. Right now you’ve got things covered. Two parents, four kids. One kid for each parent’s arm. Unless you plan on growing more arms, another kid would totally throw off that symmetry.You'd be well on your way to your own Jon & Pamela Plus Eight (hmmmm, not as catchy, is it?) 
Okay, I’m sure there are more things to consider before embarking upon another pregnancy. But I’ll leave those up to your own wild imagination, Pamela.

And in all truth, I think more Daytons would be a blessing to the world. Welcome, little Elliott!


  1. Ha!

    Pamela, you do know how that happens, don't you??

  2. Do I know how WHAT happens?

  3. Oh dear.
    Oh dear dear dear.
    This is good stuff. I will need to be reminded of this in about, hmmmm, February 2010. I will be counting on Pamela, and you Steph.
    PS Or someome could just gently suggest that I put my Sea-Bands on for a day and see how I like that.

  4. Hi Stephanie! Hi Pamela! Hi Mister! In Utah five is considered quite small for a family size. Whenever we travel to the store with our two children in tow, we are constantly asked where the rest of our chilren are? We give them our standard response each time; "Locked up in the closet. It's in the basement so they're safe because, you know, no stairs."

  5. Man! That Stephanie talks THE GOOD SENSE!

  6. My three kids are sleeping and my husband had a vasectomy, is it poor form to say I am going to try and jump his bones???

  7. If you can get a lucrative tv show and book deal, go for five. Otherwise, I think your friend here is totally right! You and the mister are running out of arms!

  8. Oh how fun! I think I'm topped off at 4, but you NEVER know!


  9. Hi everyone! Thanks for the fun comments.

    I can't believe 5 kids could be considered a small family! Love your response, Steenky Bee!

    As for me, three is definitely all I can handle. Just the noise of three sometimes makes me want to jump off a cliff. So kudos to all of you that are adventurous enough and blessed enough to have more!!


  10. Firsty, Stephanie, you are funny. Secondly, I'm pretty sure they know what's causing it and they're obviously good at it. Thirdly,as a mom of 5, I can tell you that the oldest will rather be shot than go anywhere near the family bed by the time the fifth one comes along. And if you do end up with 7 in a bed? Well, that is what walk-in closets are for. Sex. And fourthly, my hubby was looking at financial aid forms for college and his conclusion went like this, "Man, we should have MORE kids. Do you see how much financial aid we could get if we just had 2 more?"
    So, breed,Daytons, breed!

  11. Wow, I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard. I totally get you on the college sex thing! hahahaha, gotta laugh about that again. and referance to a pain scale is Hysterical! Put that on the Dr office door. "how is your pain today? pubs stuck on a pad hurt, or delivering a 10 lb baby pain!?"

    enjoyed it, keep it coming people

  12. stephanie, who are you kidding - you are funny!!
    i know i will start thinking about your "pad pain" reference at the most inconvenient times (like during church) and start giggling.


talk to me, people. because you know i get all giddy when you do.